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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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ESPN Showing Home Footage Of Young Harbaugh Brothers Coaching Together In Backyard

BRISTOL, CT—In part of the network’s buildup to the much-anticipated “HarBowl,” ESPN is showing viewers exclusively obtained home footage of Jim and John Harbaugh coaching together in their backyard as young boys, sources confirmed Friday.“We thought it would be nice to give a glimpse into what these two phenomenal NFL coaches were like when they were kids and just coaching football in the yard without a care in the world,” said SportsCenter executive producer Alex Durbin, adding that the old clips of the Harbaughs screaming play calls, managing the game clock, and slamming their Fisher-Price headsets to the ground after giving up touchdowns has already garnered a very positive response from ESPN viewers. “As you can see, back when Jim and John were 7 and 8, coaching football wasn’t about winning championships. It was just about getting outside with friends and running up and down the sidelines until it was too dark to see the clipboard.” Reached for comment, Jack Harbaugh told reporters that regardless of which team wins the Lombardi Trophy, he is simply proud that his sons never lost the childlike petulance they always had as young coaches.

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