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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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ESPN Showing Home Footage Of Young Harbaugh Brothers Coaching Together In Backyard

BRISTOL, CT—In part of the network’s buildup to the much-anticipated “HarBowl,” ESPN is showing viewers exclusively obtained home footage of Jim and John Harbaugh coaching together in their backyard as young boys, sources confirmed Friday.“We thought it would be nice to give a glimpse into what these two phenomenal NFL coaches were like when they were kids and just coaching football in the yard without a care in the world,” said SportsCenter executive producer Alex Durbin, adding that the old clips of the Harbaughs screaming play calls, managing the game clock, and slamming their Fisher-Price headsets to the ground after giving up touchdowns has already garnered a very positive response from ESPN viewers. “As you can see, back when Jim and John were 7 and 8, coaching football wasn’t about winning championships. It was just about getting outside with friends and running up and down the sidelines until it was too dark to see the clipboard.” Reached for comment, Jack Harbaugh told reporters that regardless of which team wins the Lombardi Trophy, he is simply proud that his sons never lost the childlike petulance they always had as young coaches.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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