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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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ESPN Sports Segment Reveals Science Behind Tony Romo's Shittiness

BRISTOL, CT—In an installment of the popular segment broadcast Thursday night, ESPN’s “Sport Science” attempted to investigate the natural phenomena surrounding Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s shittiness and provide conclusive explanations for why the Dallas veteran sucks so bad.

“We always want to highlight the athletes who perform on nearly superhuman levels,” “Sports Science” host John Brenkus said. “And really, nobody in sports presents a better case study of a player who spectacularly collapses under the pressure of a professional athletic stage than Tony Romo.”

The four-minute piece, which used high-tech motion sensors and accelerometers to measure the quarterback’s forced and ill-advised throws, revealed that Romo possesses the exceptional ability to fuck up in just 0.64 seconds. The segment also sought to explain the physics involved in Romo haphazardly chucking a perfect spiral directly into the hands of an opposing cornerback.

“We observed Romo missing 98 percent of our targets,” Brenkus said. “While studying the footage, we were able to determine that his capacity to make poor decisions in less than a second greatly influence why he’s so imprecise.”

“There’s not a quarterback in the NFL who can make a mistake as quickly as Romo,” Brenkus added.

The “Sports Science” broadcast confirmed that Romo’s numerous boneheaded meltdowns in clutch situations correspond to an abnormally terrible field of vision coupled with an unparalleled knack for sloppily throwing into double coverage.

In addition, the show used computer animations of Romo’s brain to simulate the precise slowness of neural firings required for the quarterback to stand in the pocket and take a sack instead of spotting an open receiver streaking down the sideline.

Physicist and local professor Dr. Charles Dunbar, who worked as a consultant on the “Sport Science” segment, confirmed that Romo has seemed to defy logic with his horrid play over the years. Analyzing tape of the Dallas quarterback throwing four interceptions to the Giants in week eight, Dunbar said he was intrigued by how the human body could be capable of such an utterly shitty performance.

“It was truly fascinating to scrutinize Romo’s pathetic struggles on the field,” Dunbar said. “We are finally starting to unravel the science behind the dumb shit tripping over his own feet and falling down well before the pass rushers arrive.”

“Those in the scientific community interested in studying piss poor quarterbacking truly couldn’t ask for a better subject,” Dunbar added.

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