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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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ESPN Thinks It Can Just Casually Call Something 'Confed Cup'

BRISTOL, CT—Expressing confusion and annoyance upon reading the phrase, sources confirmed Wednesday that someone at ESPN thinks it’s okay to call something the “Confed Cup” with no further context or explanation. “The Confed Cup? What is that? What makes them think they can get away with that?” said Lima, OH resident Dan Burrowes, 34, referring to a headline mentioning widespread riots at whatever the fuck the Confed Cup is. “You only abbreviate things if people know what you’re talking about. Like the Pres Cup. It’s pretty easy to guess that’s the Presidents Cup. But you sure as shit don’t go and call anything the Confed Cup. Not unless you’re speaking to a roomful of tennis fans, or Civil War enthusiasts, or whoever is supposed to understand what that means.” Burrowes, who said he didn’t have time to look it up right now, told reporters that he would probably check back later to see who won.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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