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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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ESPN Writer Changes City Names From Previous Story About Milton Bradley Finding Self In New Surroundings

BRISTOL, CT—To write her recent profile detailing Milton Bradley's attempt to find peace within himself in Seattle, ESPN senior writer Elizabeth Merrill simply found her 2009 article about the troubled outfielder's attempt to find peace within himself in Chicago, changed the team name throughout the story from the Cubs to the Mariners, and replaced every mention of Lou Piniella with Seattle manager Don Wakamatsu. "Writing these Milton Bradley 'I have finally turned my life around' stories is the easiest thing in the world," Merrill told reporters, adding that she composed identical articles in 2004 and 2006 about Bradley's arrivals in Los Angeles and Oakland, respectively. "I just open up my 'Bradley Finding Self In New Surroundings' template and from there it's pretty much just find-and-replace." Merrill said she learned the trick from former ESPN boxing reporter Max Kellerman, who has used his "Mike Tyson Opens Up On New Outlook On Life Following His Arrest" boilerplate more than 15 times.

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