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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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ESPN2 Experiments With Broadcasting NBA Finals From Dan Patrick's Point Of View

BRISTOL, CT—The ABC Sports family extended its attempt to offer alternative coverage of major sporting events by using miniaturized cameras and microphones to broadcast Tuesday night's NBA Finals Game 6 from the perspective of ABC studio team member Dan Patrick live on ESPN2. "Excuse me… Pardon me… Sorry," Patrick can be heard to say during the tip-off and first three minutes of the game, narrating HDTV-quality first-person shots of exactly what Patrick saw as he hurried to his third-row seat after wrapping up the pregame show. "Okay, Miami, let's see if you can get this ratings-killer of a series over with." ESPN2 has not said whether they would repeat their "Dan PatrickVision" experiment in future broadcasts, saying fans were "intrigued but not enthusiastic" about the long shots of Patrick checking his cell-phone messages, the frequent quick pans to the unnamed blonde woman sitting behind Patrick's left shoulder, or the comb that obscured the on-court action as it passed in front of the camera roughly every 45 seconds.

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