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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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ESPN.com Visitor Wouldn't Have Watched Ad If He'd Known Video Was Just Analysis

BETTENDORF, IA—ESPN.com visitor Eric Escobedo was forced to endure a full 30-second advertisement for Bank of America on the website Sunday night, an experience he reportedly would not have tolerated had he known the “stupid video” was just analysis. “The headline said that the Bears lost in overtime and made it seem like something exciting, but it was just a bunch of talking about stats from Chicago’s last five matchups,” said Escobedo, adding that the site did not permit him to skip the ad. “Why would they put an analysis video on the front page? I definitely would have sat through the ad for highlights of touchdowns, interceptions, and sacks, or even clips of guys yelling about how the Bears suck.” Though frustrated by the experience, Escobedo refused to fault the website for wasting his time, admitting that he had willingly frittered away countless hours over the decades watching pointless analysis from ESPN.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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