ESPN.com Visitor Wouldn't Have Watched Ad If He'd Known Video Was Just Analysis

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

ESPN.com Visitor Wouldn't Have Watched Ad If He'd Known Video Was Just Analysis

BETTENDORF, IA—ESPN.com visitor Eric Escobedo was forced to endure a full 30-second advertisement for Bank of America on the website Sunday night, an experience he reportedly would not have tolerated had he known the “stupid video” was just analysis. “The headline said that the Bears lost in overtime and made it seem like something exciting, but it was just a bunch of talking about stats from Chicago’s last five matchups,” said Escobedo, adding that the site did not permit him to skip the ad. “Why would they put an analysis video on the front page? I definitely would have sat through the ad for highlights of touchdowns, interceptions, and sacks, or even clips of guys yelling about how the Bears suck.” Though frustrated by the experience, Escobedo refused to fault the website for wasting his time, admitting that he had willingly frittered away countless hours over the decades watching pointless analysis from ESPN.

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