adBlockCheck

Best Of September 2015

Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.”

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ethical Hunter Throws Duck He Shot Back Into Sky

PEPIN, WI—Taking care to restore the bird to its natural habitat in a timely manner, ethical hunter Rick Streeter threw a mallard duck back into the sky Monday shortly after shooting it, sources confirmed. “I’m only into hunting for the sport, so every time I shoot a duck, I make sure to toss him back into his home up in the air once I’m done,” said Streeter after gently lobbing the downed duck skyward, stressing that the compassionate practice of shoot-and-release allowed him to enjoy the thrill of the hunt while ensuring that the waterfowl could return to its airborne life after a brief, temporary inconvenience. “Sometimes, if I shoot a duck that’s really big or impressive, I’ll take a picture holding it up afterward, but that’s it—right after that, I throw it back up above me. I feel good knowing that I can just let it go into the air and it’ll go right back to flapping around with the rest of its kind.” Streeter noted, however, that even the most skilled hunter occasionally fails to release a duck in time, thereby causing the bird to sink down to the bottom of the sky.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close