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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Etiquette Tips

Man pouring wine at fancy restaurant.

In this modern world, good manners have become a lost art. Here are some tips to help you make the right impression in polite society:

  • When attending superficial, high-society dinner parties, always stab people in the back with the third fork from the left.
  • If you accidentally pass gas at a posh country-club golf course, look around bug-eyed and loudly exclaim, "Did somebody step on a duck?"
  • It is not considered necessary to send a formal thank-you letter upon receiving a wedding gift from anyone who makes less than $70,000 a year.
  • When fucking your hostess doggy-style, make sure you are not forcing her face into the boeuf au poivre.
  • At formal functions, it is customary to pass the dutchie from the left-hand side.
  • Avoid talking politics in mixed company. You never know who might be a bleeding-heart Jew liberal.
  • If introduced to Her Majesty, the Queen Mother of England, make every effort not to appear repulsed by the musky, overpowering stench that comes off her in palpable waves.
  • It is permissible to include sporks in table settings at formal dinners. Curvy straws, however, are unacceptable.
  • An invitation for a young debutante to sit down should never be accompanied by face-wiping motions and the words, "Let me clear off a place."
  • Do not say "ain't." Say "ai not."
  • At a formal dance or cotillion, asking a woman to dance should be followed by marriage and the purchase of a home.
  • When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.
  • For a black-tie event, dress casually but bring an African-American friend. Explain that you thought the invitation said "black-guy" event.
  • Though it has become common practice, it is impolite to wear a Walkman while wolfing pussy.
  • Always remember to serve from the left and clear from the right, or you're fired and goodbye green card. Comprende, Paco?
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