adBlockCheck

Etiquette Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Etiquette Tips

Man pouring wine at fancy restaurant.

In this modern world, good manners have become a lost art. Here are some tips to help you make the right impression in polite society:

  • When attending superficial, high-society dinner parties, always stab people in the back with the third fork from the left.
  • If you accidentally pass gas at a posh country-club golf course, look around bug-eyed and loudly exclaim, "Did somebody step on a duck?"
  • It is not considered necessary to send a formal thank-you letter upon receiving a wedding gift from anyone who makes less than $70,000 a year.
  • When fucking your hostess doggy-style, make sure you are not forcing her face into the boeuf au poivre.
  • At formal functions, it is customary to pass the dutchie from the left-hand side.
  • Avoid talking politics in mixed company. You never know who might be a bleeding-heart Jew liberal.
  • If introduced to Her Majesty, the Queen Mother of England, make every effort not to appear repulsed by the musky, overpowering stench that comes off her in palpable waves.
  • It is permissible to include sporks in table settings at formal dinners. Curvy straws, however, are unacceptable.
  • An invitation for a young debutante to sit down should never be accompanied by face-wiping motions and the words, "Let me clear off a place."
  • Do not say "ain't." Say "ai not."
  • At a formal dance or cotillion, asking a woman to dance should be followed by marriage and the purchase of a home.
  • When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.
  • For a black-tie event, dress casually but bring an African-American friend. Explain that you thought the invitation said "black-guy" event.
  • Though it has become common practice, it is impolite to wear a Walkman while wolfing pussy.
  • Always remember to serve from the left and clear from the right, or you're fired and goodbye green card. Comprende, Paco?
  • Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

    Give your spam filter something to do.

    X Close