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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Etiquette Tips

Man pouring wine at fancy restaurant.

In this modern world, good manners have become a lost art. Here are some tips to help you make the right impression in polite society:

  • When attending superficial, high-society dinner parties, always stab people in the back with the third fork from the left.
  • If you accidentally pass gas at a posh country-club golf course, look around bug-eyed and loudly exclaim, "Did somebody step on a duck?"
  • It is not considered necessary to send a formal thank-you letter upon receiving a wedding gift from anyone who makes less than $70,000 a year.
  • When fucking your hostess doggy-style, make sure you are not forcing her face into the boeuf au poivre.
  • At formal functions, it is customary to pass the dutchie from the left-hand side.
  • Avoid talking politics in mixed company. You never know who might be a bleeding-heart Jew liberal.
  • If introduced to Her Majesty, the Queen Mother of England, make every effort not to appear repulsed by the musky, overpowering stench that comes off her in palpable waves.
  • It is permissible to include sporks in table settings at formal dinners. Curvy straws, however, are unacceptable.
  • An invitation for a young debutante to sit down should never be accompanied by face-wiping motions and the words, "Let me clear off a place."
  • Do not say "ain't." Say "ai not."
  • At a formal dance or cotillion, asking a woman to dance should be followed by marriage and the purchase of a home.
  • When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.
  • For a black-tie event, dress casually but bring an African-American friend. Explain that you thought the invitation said "black-guy" event.
  • Though it has become common practice, it is impolite to wear a Walkman while wolfing pussy.
  • Always remember to serve from the left and clear from the right, or you're fired and goodbye green card. Comprende, Paco?
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