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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Etiquette Tips

Man pouring wine at fancy restaurant.

In this modern world, good manners have become a lost art. Here are some tips to help you make the right impression in polite society:

  • When attending superficial, high-society dinner parties, always stab people in the back with the third fork from the left.
  • If you accidentally pass gas at a posh country-club golf course, look around bug-eyed and loudly exclaim, "Did somebody step on a duck?"
  • It is not considered necessary to send a formal thank-you letter upon receiving a wedding gift from anyone who makes less than $70,000 a year.
  • When fucking your hostess doggy-style, make sure you are not forcing her face into the boeuf au poivre.
  • At formal functions, it is customary to pass the dutchie from the left-hand side.
  • Avoid talking politics in mixed company. You never know who might be a bleeding-heart Jew liberal.
  • If introduced to Her Majesty, the Queen Mother of England, make every effort not to appear repulsed by the musky, overpowering stench that comes off her in palpable waves.
  • It is permissible to include sporks in table settings at formal dinners. Curvy straws, however, are unacceptable.
  • An invitation for a young debutante to sit down should never be accompanied by face-wiping motions and the words, "Let me clear off a place."
  • Do not say "ain't." Say "ai not."
  • At a formal dance or cotillion, asking a woman to dance should be followed by marriage and the purchase of a home.
  • When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.
  • For a black-tie event, dress casually but bring an African-American friend. Explain that you thought the invitation said "black-guy" event.
  • Though it has become common practice, it is impolite to wear a Walkman while wolfing pussy.
  • Always remember to serve from the left and clear from the right, or you're fired and goodbye green card. Comprende, Paco?
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    Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

    WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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