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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Etiquette Tips

Man pouring wine at fancy restaurant.

In this modern world, good manners have become a lost art. Here are some tips to help you make the right impression in polite society:

  • When attending superficial, high-society dinner parties, always stab people in the back with the third fork from the left.
  • If you accidentally pass gas at a posh country-club golf course, look around bug-eyed and loudly exclaim, "Did somebody step on a duck?"
  • It is not considered necessary to send a formal thank-you letter upon receiving a wedding gift from anyone who makes less than $70,000 a year.
  • When fucking your hostess doggy-style, make sure you are not forcing her face into the boeuf au poivre.
  • At formal functions, it is customary to pass the dutchie from the left-hand side.
  • Avoid talking politics in mixed company. You never know who might be a bleeding-heart Jew liberal.
  • If introduced to Her Majesty, the Queen Mother of England, make every effort not to appear repulsed by the musky, overpowering stench that comes off her in palpable waves.
  • It is permissible to include sporks in table settings at formal dinners. Curvy straws, however, are unacceptable.
  • An invitation for a young debutante to sit down should never be accompanied by face-wiping motions and the words, "Let me clear off a place."
  • Do not say "ain't." Say "ai not."
  • At a formal dance or cotillion, asking a woman to dance should be followed by marriage and the purchase of a home.
  • When laying off more than 500 laborers from a manufacturing plant, it is considered proper to make a perfunctory expression of regret to the press.
  • For a black-tie event, dress casually but bring an African-American friend. Explain that you thought the invitation said "black-guy" event.
  • Though it has become common practice, it is impolite to wear a Walkman while wolfing pussy.
  • Always remember to serve from the left and clear from the right, or you're fired and goodbye green card. Comprende, Paco?
  • More from this section

    ‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

    When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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