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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Eulogy Filled With Pro-Christian Propaganda

SCHENECTADY, NY—Friends and loved ones of deceased community leader Bob Liddell alleged Monday that the occasion of his passing was exploited for mere religious purposes, accusing the officiating pastor at his Saturday funeral, the Rev. Frank Hyams, of turning the ceremony into a pro-Christian diatribe.

"We gathered to pay our respects to Bob, but instead we were forced to listen to nothing but Jesus this, God that," Liddell family friend Fran Grunbladt said. "This was supposed to be a heartfelt, solemn, and respectful tribute to Bob's life, not an excuse to further the minister's own dogmatic agenda. While it's true Bob was a churchgoer, that's no excuse to take advantage of the poor man's death."

Hyams refused to apologize for his actions, further inciting controversy by claiming that Liddell is "in heaven now."

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