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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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European Golfers Taking Ryder Cup Way Too Seriously, Says American Squad

KILDARE, IRELAND—During a press conference yesterday at the K Club, site of the 2006 Ryder Cup, Team U.S.A. captain Tom Lehman said that players on the European squad are "taking this whole international Ryder Cup golf tournament thing way too seriously." "[European captain] Ian Woosnam said he is strategically going to pick and choose which of his players play together, and then try to match them up against us so that we are at a disadvantage—something that, apparently, his players really get into," Lehman said. "Whatever happened to going out there and having a little bit of fun on the golf course? Guy's a tight-ass, I tell you." The U.S. team, which has won only one Ryder Cup in the last five years, reaffirmed that their traditionally poor performance in the event is due both to the inconvenience it poses to their schedules and to "really not giving a shit."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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