Evander Holyfield Claims His Quest For Severe Brain Damage Keeps Him Fighting

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Vol 44 Issue 49

Shitload Of Math Due Monday

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking answers in the back.
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Evander Holyfield Claims His Quest For Severe Brain Damage Keeps Him Fighting

ATLANTA—Forty-six-year-old heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield, who has taken hundreds of blows to the head in a career spanning more than 50 professional matches, told reporters Wednesday that he wouldn't stop fighting until a neurological examination reveals that he has acute brain damage. "When I can no longer speak clearly, or remember where I'm from, or what I what I what what, then I'll know it's time to hang up the gloves, but until then I think I want spaghetti for dinner with mushrooms and rubber-band sauce," said Holyfield, adding that his Dec. 20 bout with Russian Nikolai Valuev should put him one step closer to his dream of suffering irreparable tearing and lesions of the brain, and that he likes really big Ferris wheels. "I'm close. I can feel it—the tingling sensation in my hands, the bright lights that hurt my eyes. Maybe a few more [fights] after this one. Okay, Mom, I'm going to bed now. Bye-bye." Holyfield then rubbed the top of his right ear and asked reporters, "What the hell happened here?"

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