Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

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Vol 30 Issue 09

Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs.

Voter Apathy

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?

Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda think she all that," said Tamika Wilson, 22, a one-time friend of Lewis'. "Well, I got news for you—she ain't." According to Wilson, Lewis "be all like, 'I'm Miss Thang,'" when, in fact, "None of the brothers around the way want a piece of that coochie." President Clinton declined comment on the situation.

Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming months. "I am going to watch a hell of a lot of TV," announced the unemployed Barcynski, who served with the 57th Division in the Gulf War, earning two Silver Medals of Distinction. "The Price is Right, One Life to Live, Seinfeld, Cybill, ER—those are just some of the many, many shows I am going to watch." Barcynski added that among the new fall shows, Mr. Rhodes and Party Girl are his favorites, though he stressed that he would watch all the others as well, even those he dislikes. Added Barcynski, "You have no idea how much freaking TV I am going to watch."

Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled Sunday by the appearance of an ocelot. "Oh, dear," said Lady Wolford-Bingham, whose father, Lord William Alfred Shropshire-Wolford, was a third cousin of Winston Churchill's. "There appears to be an ocelot at my tea party." In addition to "badly scratching" Lady Catherine Norwich Baker Putnam-Howe, the angry ocelot overturned a number of tables and broke an expensive vase.

Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. "I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves," Tanner said. "I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted." According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire's only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. "Perot said that if I told anyone, I'd lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever," Tanner said. "He also told me that it's time the American people had a government that worked for them."

Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

BEIJING, CHINA—The people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty that will establish close relations between the two civilizations.

Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from tannin' his hide but good!

I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice Arena in June 1977!
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Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

LAS VEGAS—Daredevil Evel Knievel, famous for performing thrilling, death-defying, physical feats, will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace this Saturday.

In what promises to be his boldest stunt yet, legendary daredevil Evel Knievel (above) will attempt an enormous leap in logic next week, trying to prove that there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1.

In a never-before-tried leap of logic, Knievel will attempt to convince a panel of renowned math experts that there exists a single largest integer to which no more can be added.

At noon Saturday, before an expected crowd of 25,000, a helmeted, jumpsuited Knievel will step to a podium decorated with logos of products sponsoring the leap, including STP and Chuckles jelly candies. He will then begin a syllogistic process of gaining larger and larger concessions from the panel of math professors, hoping to bring them to the conclusion that there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1. If a majority of the 12-member panel agrees with Knievel's reasoning, the leap will be deemed a success.

Despite Knievel's determination, many panel members view the jump as reckless and ill-advised. "With all due respect to Mr. Knievel, he is mad to attempt this," said Quentin Collins, Ph.D., a professor of math at Yale University. "I almost declined to serve on the panel in protest of this utterly ill-conceived dance of cerebral mayhem. But I expect Knievel will learn a lesson he will never forget when his fallacious reasoning is sliced to ribbons."

"I worry every time he does this that he'll make a mistake and get hurt," said Robbie Knievel, son of the famous daredevil. "But it's what he wants to do and I support him."

Safety precautions planned by Knievel for the leap include comprehensive, indexed copies of the writings of Plato, an intellectual "pit crew" of logic and rhetoric experts, and strategically placed fire extinguishers in case the attempt goes awry.

"My mother always wanted me to get a desk job," Knievel said. "But I gotta do what I gotta do. I believe that this leap of the imagination is possible, and I intend to prove it."

Knievel added that kids should not attempt to imitate the stunt, and that wearing a bicycle helmet is radical.

Knievel, who has broken nearly every bone in his body, gave up physical stunts several years ago and has since turned to more conceptual feats. In November 1993, he thrilled the world with a spectacular triple-leap-of-faith, in which he simultaneously joined the Unification Church of Sun Myung Moon, the Church of Scientology and Jehovah's Witnesses, accepting in rapid succession the controversial beliefs of all three religions.

A month later, trapped in three contradictory philosophies, Knievel wrestled with existential doubt and rejected all three movements, staging a spectacular fall from grace seen by millions on pay-per-view television.

Knievel's recent career has not been without its hazards and setbacks. Last April 15, at the Tropicana Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, Knievel plunged headlong into a morass of complicated tax forms only to be trapped without the necessary financial records to complete them.

Emergency accountants intervened, pulling Knievel from the paperwork and completing the tax forms themselves before rushing him to an area hospital.

If successful this Saturday, Knievel next plans to visit a Club Med Resort in Ixtapa, Mexico, where he will attempt a daring escape from the dreary nine-to-five workaday world.

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