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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

LAS VEGAS—Daredevil Evel Knievel, famous for performing thrilling, death-defying, physical feats, will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace this Saturday.

In what promises to be his boldest stunt yet, legendary daredevil Evel Knievel (above) will attempt an enormous leap in logic next week, trying to prove that there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1.

In a never-before-tried leap of logic, Knievel will attempt to convince a panel of renowned math experts that there exists a single largest integer to which no more can be added.

At noon Saturday, before an expected crowd of 25,000, a helmeted, jumpsuited Knievel will step to a podium decorated with logos of products sponsoring the leap, including STP and Chuckles jelly candies. He will then begin a syllogistic process of gaining larger and larger concessions from the panel of math professors, hoping to bring them to the conclusion that there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1. If a majority of the 12-member panel agrees with Knievel's reasoning, the leap will be deemed a success.

Despite Knievel's determination, many panel members view the jump as reckless and ill-advised. "With all due respect to Mr. Knievel, he is mad to attempt this," said Quentin Collins, Ph.D., a professor of math at Yale University. "I almost declined to serve on the panel in protest of this utterly ill-conceived dance of cerebral mayhem. But I expect Knievel will learn a lesson he will never forget when his fallacious reasoning is sliced to ribbons."

"I worry every time he does this that he'll make a mistake and get hurt," said Robbie Knievel, son of the famous daredevil. "But it's what he wants to do and I support him."

Safety precautions planned by Knievel for the leap include comprehensive, indexed copies of the writings of Plato, an intellectual "pit crew" of logic and rhetoric experts, and strategically placed fire extinguishers in case the attempt goes awry.

"My mother always wanted me to get a desk job," Knievel said. "But I gotta do what I gotta do. I believe that this leap of the imagination is possible, and I intend to prove it."

Knievel added that kids should not attempt to imitate the stunt, and that wearing a bicycle helmet is radical.

Knievel, who has broken nearly every bone in his body, gave up physical stunts several years ago and has since turned to more conceptual feats. In November 1993, he thrilled the world with a spectacular triple-leap-of-faith, in which he simultaneously joined the Unification Church of Sun Myung Moon, the Church of Scientology and Jehovah's Witnesses, accepting in rapid succession the controversial beliefs of all three religions.

A month later, trapped in three contradictory philosophies, Knievel wrestled with existential doubt and rejected all three movements, staging a spectacular fall from grace seen by millions on pay-per-view television.

Knievel's recent career has not been without its hazards and setbacks. Last April 15, at the Tropicana Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, Knievel plunged headlong into a morass of complicated tax forms only to be trapped without the necessary financial records to complete them.

Emergency accountants intervened, pulling Knievel from the paperwork and completing the tax forms themselves before rushing him to an area hospital.

If successful this Saturday, Knievel next plans to visit a Club Med Resort in Ixtapa, Mexico, where he will attempt a daring escape from the dreary nine-to-five workaday world.

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