adBlockCheck

Entertainment

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
End Of Section
  • More News

Evel Knievel To Attempt Huge Leap In Logic

LAS VEGAS—Legendary daredevil Evel Knievel, who has long been famous for performing thrilling, death-defying stunts, will bravely defy common sense at Caesar's Palace Saturday.

In what promises to be his boldest stunt yet, Evel Knievel (above) will attempt an enormous leap in logic, trying to prove that there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1.

In a bold, never-before-attempted leap of logic, Knievel will attempt to convince a panel of renowned math experts that there exists a single largest integer to which no more can be added.

At noon, with an expected crowd of 25,000 in attendance and millions more watching at home on Fox, a helmeted, jumpsuited Knievel will begin a syllogistic process of gaining larger and larger concessions from the panel of mathematicians, hoping to prove there exists a number x for which there is no possible x+1. If a majority of the 12-member panel agrees with Knievel's reasoning, the leap will be declared successful.

Despite Knievel's history of overcoming impossible odds, many panel members view the jump as reckless and ill-advised.

"With all due respect to Mr. Knievel, he is mad to attempt this," said Quentin Collins, a professor of applied mathematics at Yale University. "I almost declined to serve on the panel in protest of this utterly ill-conceived dance of cerebral mayhem. But I expect Knievel will learn a lesson he will never forget when his fallacious reasoning is sliced to ribbons."

"I worry every time he does this that he'll make a mistake and get hurt," said Robbie Knievel, son of the famous daredevil. "But this is what he wants to do, and I support him."

Safety precautions planned by Knievel for the leap include comprehensive, indexed copies of the writings of Plato; an intellectual "pit crew" of 10 world-class logicians and rhetoricians; and strategically placed fire extinguishers, in case the attempt goes awry.

"My mother always wanted me to get a normal job," Knievel said. "But I gotta do what I gotta do. I believe that this leap of the imagination is possible, and I intend to prove it."

Knievel stressed that kids should not attempt to imitate the stunt, and that it's "cool" to wear a bike helmet.

Knievel, who has broken nearly every bone in his body, gave up physical stunts several years ago and has since turned to more conceptual feats. In November 1995, he thrilled the world with a spectacular triple-leap-of-faith, in which he simultaneously joined the Unification Church of Sun Myung Moon, the Church of Scientology, and Jehovah's Witnesses, accepting in rapid succession the controversial beliefs of all three religions.

A month later, trapped in three contradictory philosophies, Knievel wrestled with existential doubt and rejected all three movements, staging a spectacular fall from grace seen by millions on pay-per-view television.

Knievel's recent career has not been without its setbacks. On April 15, 1997, at the Tropicana Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, Knievel plunged headlong into a morass of complicated tax forms only to be trapped without the necessary personal financial information to complete them.

Emergency accountants intervened, pulling Knievel from the paperwork and completing the tax forms themselves before rushing him to an area hospital.

If successful Saturday, Knievel next plans to visit a Club Med resort in Ixtapa, Mexico, where he will attempt a daring escape from the dreary nine-to-five workaday world.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings