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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Even Consumer’s Subconscious Can Tell Banner Ad Campaign Ineffective

NEW YORK—Sources inside local man Eric Chen’s brain confirmed this week that a major corporation’s recent online advertising campaign was so unsuccessful that its ineffectiveness was immediately perceptible to Chen’s subconscious. “Oh man, that had absolutely no impact on me whatsoever. Why are they wasting their money on this garbage?” said Chen’s unconscious mind of the weak, useless banner ad that was judged a waste before the 28-year-old could even consciously produce a negative visceral reaction to it. “They really thought this would work on me? I can’t believe that advertising team wasn’t fired years ago.” At press time, Chen’s subconscious was thinking of a big Reuben sandwich with a pickle and a side of fries.

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