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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Even Consumer’s Subconscious Can Tell Banner Ad Campaign Ineffective

NEW YORK—Sources inside local man Eric Chen’s brain confirmed this week that a major corporation’s recent online advertising campaign was so unsuccessful that its ineffectiveness was immediately perceptible to Chen’s subconscious. “Oh man, that had absolutely no impact on me whatsoever. Why are they wasting their money on this garbage?” said Chen’s unconscious mind of the weak, useless banner ad that was judged a waste before the 28-year-old could even consciously produce a negative visceral reaction to it. “They really thought this would work on me? I can’t believe that advertising team wasn’t fired years ago.” At press time, Chen’s subconscious was thinking of a big Reuben sandwich with a pickle and a side of fries.

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