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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Evening's Events Immediately Recapped With Digital-Camera Slide Show

DENVER—Family and friends attending a two-hour birthday dinner for 26-year-old Josh Kebbekus at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday concluded their meal by watching a slide show of themselves ordering drinks, talking, eating, and taking photos of one another.

"Look, here we are waiting for our table," said Kebbekus' older sister Rebecca, one of the six attendees who had brought digital cameras to the event. "Oh, here's Josh with that yummy cheesecake we had. And here's another one of the cheesecake."

As of press time, no decision had been made on whether to write serious or silly captions for the night's 150 best photos.

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