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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Evening's Events Immediately Recapped With Digital-Camera Slide Show

DENVER—Family and friends attending a two-hour birthday dinner for 26-year-old Josh Kebbekus at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday concluded their meal by watching a slide show of themselves ordering drinks, talking, eating, and taking photos of one another.

"Look, here we are waiting for our table," said Kebbekus' older sister Rebecca, one of the six attendees who had brought digital cameras to the event. "Oh, here's Josh with that yummy cheesecake we had. And here's another one of the cheesecake."

As of press time, no decision had been made on whether to write serious or silly captions for the night's 150 best photos.

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