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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Evening's Events Immediately Recapped With Digital-Camera Slide Show

DENVER—Family and friends attending a two-hour birthday dinner for 26-year-old Josh Kebbekus at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday concluded their meal by watching a slide show of themselves ordering drinks, talking, eating, and taking photos of one another.

"Look, here we are waiting for our table," said Kebbekus' older sister Rebecca, one of the six attendees who had brought digital cameras to the event. "Oh, here's Josh with that yummy cheesecake we had. And here's another one of the cheesecake."

As of press time, no decision had been made on whether to write serious or silly captions for the night's 150 best photos.

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