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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Every Bill Reminds Congressman Of Ex-Wife

WASHINGTON, DC—Ever since his divorce from his wife of 22 years became final in June, Rep. Chuck Brunet (R-NC) sees "Mary's face in every piece of legislation" that comes across his desk, the Oklahoma lawmaker told reporters Tuesday.

"I couldn't even bring myself to vote on the farm-subsidy bill last week," said Brunet, who has reportedly missed more than half a dozen House votes on similar bills because they "remind [him] of the times we went apple picking." "And every time that net neutrality motion comes up in subcommittee, I think of all those e-mails she used to send me. Oh God, Mary!"

Capitol Hill sources say Brunet led a filibuster against increased funding for the Federal Aviation Administration earlier this month because his ex-wife met her current boyfriend on a flight to Atlanta.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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