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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Every Bill Reminds Congressman Of Ex-Wife

WASHINGTON, DC—Ever since his divorce from his wife of 22 years became final in June, Rep. Chuck Brunet (R-NC) sees "Mary's face in every piece of legislation" that comes across his desk, the Oklahoma lawmaker told reporters Tuesday.

"I couldn't even bring myself to vote on the farm-subsidy bill last week," said Brunet, who has reportedly missed more than half a dozen House votes on similar bills because they "remind [him] of the times we went apple picking." "And every time that net neutrality motion comes up in subcommittee, I think of all those e-mails she used to send me. Oh God, Mary!"

Capitol Hill sources say Brunet led a filibuster against increased funding for the Federal Aviation Administration earlier this month because his ex-wife met her current boyfriend on a flight to Atlanta.

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