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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Every Book On Area Woman's Shelves Somehow Related To Coping

WARNER ROBINS, GA—All 217 books on the shelves of area resident Renee Streed are somehow related to coping, it was reported Tuesday. "I really like the M. Scott Peck books," the 51-year-old Streed said. "And, of course, Susan Jeffers is always terrific, and so is Dr. Laura. I also love the entire Chicken Soup For The Soul series and Richard Carlson's Don't Sweat The Small Stuff." Streed is currently coping with menopause, empty-nest syndrome, workplace communication breakdowns, depression, living on a budget, the loss of a parent, impending retirement, the loss of a pet, long-distance grandparenting, depression, stress and weight gain.

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