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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Every Book On Area Woman's Shelves Somehow Related To Coping

WARNER ROBINS, GA—All 217 books on the shelves of area resident Renee Streed are somehow related to coping, it was reported Tuesday. "I really like the M. Scott Peck books," the 51-year-old Streed said. "And, of course, Susan Jeffers is always terrific, and so is Dr. Laura. I also love the entire Chicken Soup For The Soul series and Richard Carlson's Don't Sweat The Small Stuff." Streed is currently coping with menopause, empty-nest syndrome, workplace communication breakdowns, depression, living on a budget, the loss of a parent, impending retirement, the loss of a pet, long-distance grandparenting, depression, stress and weight gain.

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