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Every Day Of Local Dad's Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen

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Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Every Day Of Local Dad's Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen

WEEHAWKEN, NJ—Family members confirmed Monday that Weehawken father of three Ken Irvine wakes up every morning prepared to die in order to defend his favorite pen from those who would wrest it from him. "He never lets it out of his sight," said Irvine's daughter Dana, adding that the one time her father let her borrow his pen he kept his eyes trained on it like a sniper. "Sometimes he'll even pretend he doesn't have it with him, even though you can totally see it right there in his breast pocket." The last time Irvine lost track of his pen was when he left it at a bank in 2003, at which point he bought a new pen.

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