adBlockCheck

Every Day Of Local Dad's Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Every Day Of Local Dad's Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen

WEEHAWKEN, NJ—Family members confirmed Monday that Weehawken father of three Ken Irvine wakes up every morning prepared to die in order to defend his favorite pen from those who would wrest it from him. "He never lets it out of his sight," said Irvine's daughter Dana, adding that the one time her father let her borrow his pen he kept his eyes trained on it like a sniper. "Sometimes he'll even pretend he doesn't have it with him, even though you can totally see it right there in his breast pocket." The last time Irvine lost track of his pen was when he left it at a bank in 2003, at which point he bought a new pen.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close