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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred By Some Tragedy

PENSACOLA, FL—After Monday’s deadly explosions at the Boston Marathon cast a pall over Conner Mason’s 7th birthday celebration, the Mason family reportedly realized that each of their birthdays were now tainted by a national tragedy. “Our youngest daughter’s birthday is September 11, Julie’s is on the Virginia Tech anniversary, Lauren’s falls on the Aurora shooting, and my husband’s is on the Newtown massacre,” said Anne Mason, 39, local mother of five children whose own birthday is April 20—the anniversary of the Columbine shooting. “And actually, now that I think of it, my father was born on January 8, which was the day of the Tuscon massacre, and our dog Howie’s birthday was November 5, 2009, the exact same day as the Fort Hood attack. I think the only person in the family who wasn’t born on the day of a tragedy is my youngest son Eric.” Sources added that Mason was dismayed to learn shortly thereafter that Eric’s July 7 birthday actually coincided with the London bus bombing.

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