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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred By Some Tragedy

PENSACOLA, FL—After Monday’s deadly explosions at the Boston Marathon cast a pall over Conner Mason’s 7th birthday celebration, the Mason family reportedly realized that each of their birthdays were now tainted by a national tragedy. “Our youngest daughter’s birthday is September 11, Julie’s is on the Virginia Tech anniversary, Lauren’s falls on the Aurora shooting, and my husband’s is on the Newtown massacre,” said Anne Mason, 39, local mother of five children whose own birthday is April 20—the anniversary of the Columbine shooting. “And actually, now that I think of it, my father was born on January 8, which was the day of the Tuscon massacre, and our dog Howie’s birthday was November 5, 2009, the exact same day as the Fort Hood attack. I think the only person in the family who wasn’t born on the day of a tragedy is my youngest son Eric.” Sources added that Mason was dismayed to learn shortly thereafter that Eric’s July 7 birthday actually coincided with the London bus bombing.

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