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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred By Some Tragedy

PENSACOLA, FL—After Monday’s deadly explosions at the Boston Marathon cast a pall over Conner Mason’s 7th birthday celebration, the Mason family reportedly realized that each of their birthdays were now tainted by a national tragedy. “Our youngest daughter’s birthday is September 11, Julie’s is on the Virginia Tech anniversary, Lauren’s falls on the Aurora shooting, and my husband’s is on the Newtown massacre,” said Anne Mason, 39, local mother of five children whose own birthday is April 20—the anniversary of the Columbine shooting. “And actually, now that I think of it, my father was born on January 8, which was the day of the Tuscon massacre, and our dog Howie’s birthday was November 5, 2009, the exact same day as the Fort Hood attack. I think the only person in the family who wasn’t born on the day of a tragedy is my youngest son Eric.” Sources added that Mason was dismayed to learn shortly thereafter that Eric’s July 7 birthday actually coincided with the London bus bombing.

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