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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Every Marlins Game Sold Out For Next Season As Fans Become Enamored With Team's New Color Scheme

MIAMI—The Miami Marlins announced Saturday they are completely sold out of tickets for the 2012 season, ending a deluge of requests from area residents completely rabid about the long-ignored team's new cap and uniform colors. "Until three weeks ago, I didn't know anyone around here who gave a crap about the Marlins, but when they changed up their colors, we were all like, 'Oh, man! Wow! Blue, yellow, black, and orange?'" said new season-ticket holder Gord McCullough, adding that like the majority of Miami residents, he once would have preferred sitting in traffic for four hours to attending a Marlins game, but now, because of the revamped logo's stylized fish and the addition of the city's name to the team, can't imagine life without trips to the ballpark. "I don't even really care that it's basically the same lineup as last year. Did you see [Miami mascot] Billy the Marlin's new look?" Club management confirmed that by the All-Star break, when the hype has died down, the team is below .500, and people stop showing up for games, the tarp that typically covers all of the unsold seats in the stadium will also have a new Marlins logo on it.

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