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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Every NBC Program To End With Character Straight Up Asking Viewers What Kind Of New TV Shows They Would Like To See

NEW YORK—The struggling NBC network announced a new programming initiative last week that involves characters in each scripted series ending episodes by breaking the fourth wall and asking viewers point blank what sort of television shows they would most like to see in the future. "Now that we've closed the books on yet another thrilling criminal investigation, it's time to solve the mystery of just what you guys would tune in to if you had your pick," said Law And Order: Special Victims Unit's Mariska Hargitay, flanked by co-star Danny Pino, who stopped arresting the episode's prime suspect, waved to the audience, and said, "Hi there. Did you like this episode of television? Would you like to see something else instead, either in place of us or in place of something else?" Pino was then joined by the rest of the cast as well as NBC Chairman Robert Greenblatt, who shook hands with all the actors before introducing himself and addressing viewers. "Good evening. How about a three-camera family sitcom? A hospital drama? Some kind of musical contest thing, maybe? Really, don't be shy; we just need to know what it is you want so we can make more money and be a better company. Please email your suggestions to viewervoices@nbc.com and try to be as detailed as possible when explaining the type of programming you'd like to see. Have a good night." Following Greenblatt's announcement, the show's closing credits began to roll.

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