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Every New Yorker Found Murdered

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Every New Yorker Found Murdered

NEW YORK—Every resident of New York City was found murdered Monday, pronounced dead by coroners flown in from neighboring cities. "The crime rate here in New York has never been higher," New Jersey Gov. Christie Todd Whitman, acting as interim mayor following the murder of Rudolph Giuliani, told reporters. "It is time to begin anew, with newer, hopefully less murderous citizens, maybe from Maine." Police authorities have no living suspects, but believe that the approximately 15 million inhabitants were probably killed by other New Yorkers, who were later also killed. "We have a great deal of forensic evidence, but precious little manpower, as all of the city's police officials are also dead," Whitman said. "The sad truth is, we may never know which New Yorkers killed which other New Yorkers before being killed themselves, and in which order."

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