Every New Yorker Found Murdered

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Every New Yorker Found Murdered

NEW YORK—Every resident of New York City was found murdered Monday, pronounced dead by coroners flown in from neighboring cities. "The crime rate here in New York has never been higher," New Jersey Gov. Christie Todd Whitman, acting as interim mayor following the murder of Rudolph Giuliani, told reporters. "It is time to begin anew, with newer, hopefully less murderous citizens, maybe from Maine." Police authorities have no living suspects, but believe that the approximately 15 million inhabitants were probably killed by other New Yorkers, who were later also killed. "We have a great deal of forensic evidence, but precious little manpower, as all of the city's police officials are also dead," Whitman said. "The sad truth is, we may never know which New Yorkers killed which other New Yorkers before being killed themselves, and in which order."