Every Player Begins Hitting Home Runs After Copying Albert Pujols’ Stance, Swing

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

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Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

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WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Every Player Begins Hitting Home Runs After Copying Albert Pujols’ Stance, Swing

NEW YORK—All 750 Major League Baseball players reported extreme increases in their number of hits, RBIs, and home runs Saturday after closely studying and mimicking Albert Pujols’ batting stance and swing. “I saw him getting so many hits and figured, hey, I ought to do exactly what he’s doing,” said Royals shortstop Alicides Escobar, who was batting .226 until copying Pujols, and has now gone 39-for-50 with 28 RBIs and 13 home runs. “All I do is get in the batter’s box, spread my feet way apart like he does, hold the bat in the exact same spot, and then crack another dinger. I don’t know if it helps me to copy that facial expression he makes when he waits for a pitch, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.” In related news, all 30 pitching staffs have claimed that their efforts to combat the offensive explosion by copying Roy Halladay’s windup is working, as evidenced by the fact that Joba Chamberlain no longer looks like a helpless idiot when he’s on the mound.