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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Every Player Begins Hitting Home Runs After Copying Albert Pujols’ Stance, Swing

NEW YORK—All 750 Major League Baseball players reported extreme increases in their number of hits, RBIs, and home runs Saturday after closely studying and mimicking Albert Pujols’ batting stance and swing. “I saw him getting so many hits and figured, hey, I ought to do exactly what he’s doing,” said Royals shortstop Alicides Escobar, who was batting .226 until copying Pujols, and has now gone 39-for-50 with 28 RBIs and 13 home runs. “All I do is get in the batter’s box, spread my feet way apart like he does, hold the bat in the exact same spot, and then crack another dinger. I don’t know if it helps me to copy that facial expression he makes when he waits for a pitch, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.” In related news, all 30 pitching staffs have claimed that their efforts to combat the offensive explosion by copying Roy Halladay’s windup is working, as evidenced by the fact that Joba Chamberlain no longer looks like a helpless idiot when he’s on the mound.

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