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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Every Story In Local Police Blotter Concerns Jayson Williams

RALEIGH, NC—The police blotter in Monday's issue of The News & Observer contained instances of vandalism, shoplifting, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, aggravated assault, and loitering, all of which centered around former NBA star Jayson Williams. "Crime in the city has increased by 76 percent since Williams arrived early last week," Capt. T.L. Earnhardt of the Raleigh Police Department said. "In order to deal more effectively with the situation, the city is enforcing a strict 10 p.m. curfew for all visitors named Jayson Williams. He'll also have to wear an electronic ankle monitor." Following his conviction, Williams has been sentenced to eight weeks of anger management, 28 hours of community service, 33 years in prison, and the death penalty.

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