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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Every Story In Local Police Blotter Concerns Jayson Williams

RALEIGH, NC—The police blotter in Monday's issue of The News & Observer contained instances of vandalism, shoplifting, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, aggravated assault, and loitering, all of which centered around former NBA star Jayson Williams. "Crime in the city has increased by 76 percent since Williams arrived early last week," Capt. T.L. Earnhardt of the Raleigh Police Department said. "In order to deal more effectively with the situation, the city is enforcing a strict 10 p.m. curfew for all visitors named Jayson Williams. He'll also have to wear an electronic ankle monitor." Following his conviction, Williams has been sentenced to eight weeks of anger management, 28 hours of community service, 33 years in prison, and the death penalty.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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