adBlockCheck

Everybody Shocked Body Found In Woods Not Justin

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Everybody Shocked Body Found In Woods Not Justin

The body that is somehow not Justin's.
The body that is somehow not Justin's.

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Stunned friends and acquaintances expressed disbelief after learning that a corpse discovered in the woods the early Saturday morning was not Justin.

"When they said on the news that the cops had found a dead body, I just knew it had to be Justin," said Curt Bronner, who told reporters he always expected the corpse of his 23-year-old friend to be discovered in the exact manner described by the anchorman. "But then you find out it's someone else completely, and it's—well, it's really hard to process."

"Never in a million years did I think it wouldn't be him," Bronner added. "No matter how hard I try, I just can't imagine Justin not lying there."

According to a spokesperson for the Cedar Rapids Police Department, an emergency dispatcher received a call at approximately 8 a.m. Saturday that indicated a group of children playing in the woods near the Walgreens had stumbled upon a naked corpse draped over a tree stump, all of them assuming the body belonged to "that one Justin guy."

The spokesperson also said that while responding officers were certain beyond any doubt they would find Justin's remains, there was some debate en route to the scene over whether he was likely to have succumbed to alcohol poisoning, choked on his own vomit, inadvertently overdosed on painkillers, or accidentally killed himself while goofing around with a rifle.

Justin's roommate Derek Clouterman, 24, said he was still struggling to comprehend how it was possible his friend was not lying dead in the forest.

"Man, that sure sounds like Justin," said Clouterman, adding that he would be less shocked if it turned out Justin had been found floating in the lake after huffing amyl nitrate down by the pier. "Are they absolutely sure it's not him? I mean, maybe his face was beaten beyond recognition or something."

In addition, numerous sources confirmed they had seen the Pizza Hut employee the previous evening, claiming that Justin "seemed drunk as hell and looked like he was going to do something real stupid."

Pizza Hut manager Steven Patterson told reporters he immediately suspected the body was Justin's because his employee hadn't shown up for his 6 p.m. delivery shift.

"I got a bad feeling, because when he blows off work, he usually at least calls me all coked up with a ridiculous excuse," Patterson said. "Well, whatever happened, no one's heard from him. I would check down in the ravine or over by the train tracks just to be safe."

Added Patterson, "At the very least, they should probably bring Justin in as a suspect."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close