Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate

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Vol 48 Issue 39

The Science Of Sex

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why, using clinical words for stuff like “cock” and “fucking.”

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...

Voting Begins In Iowa

More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process.

Robot Butler

Fox 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT A drink order does not compute, so Robot Butler murders everyone.
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Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate

NEWARK, NJ—The stress and tedium of air travel were reportedly relieved Wednesday when passengers in Newark Liberty Airport’s Terminal C were treated to the wheezing, waddling antics of an overweight family hurriedly straining to catch a flight to Orlando. “Well, that was an utter delight,” said witness Monica Adler, adding that it was “wonderfully satisfying” to see a frazzled and obese mother try to hang on to her Auntie Anne’s pretzel while running to her gate. “Watching them huffing and puffing, yelling at the children to speed up but then falling behind themselves, all while weighed down by their carry-on baggage… The only thing that could have made it more enjoyable would have been ‘Baby Elephant Walk’ playing over the loudspeakers.” At press time, onlookers were bursting into delighted cheers as the family had to suddenly turn around and run the other way following a gate change announcement.

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