adBlockCheck

Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day

Top Headlines

Local

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day

The office where every employee plans to carry out a shooting spree at the same time.
The office where every employee plans to carry out a shooting spree at the same time.

KANSAS CITY, MO—Unbeknownst to one another, every single member of the office staff at Kelleher Advertising Associates is planning to carry out a workplace shooting spree next Monday, reporters learned this week.

According to their independently formulated yet nearly identical plans, the company’s 38 employees will arrive at the office early on Jan. 14, each carrying a duffel bag containing an assault rifle, handguns, and several hundred rounds of ammunition. At precisely 9 a.m., as indicated in each of their individual plots, every member of the advertising agency’s staff will simultaneously produce their weapons and open fire on one another.

“No one is going to walk out of the office alive on Monday,” 30-year-old copywriter Benjamin Cowan told reporters privately, completely unaware that every person he works with on a daily basis was equally prepared to carve a similar path of carnage through the office at the exact same date and time. “The first thing I’m going to do is shoot Adriana in accounting, then pump a few dozen rounds right into the sales department and [CEO] Doug [Kelleher]. They’re never going to see this coming.”

Cowan promised to unleash a “river of blood,” unknowingly echoing the words of all 37 of his colleagues.

“I’m going to shoot Ben Cowan first,” 42-year-old accountant Adriana Simons said. “Then I’m going to mow down Mr. Kelleher and the whole sales staff.”

“I can already see the expression of shock on everyone’s faces when they see me firing on them,” Simons added. “No one’s going to expect this.”

In 38 separate interviews given to reporters, the company’s employees all said they intend to stay at work late on the preceding Friday evening so they can barricade the floor’s emergency exits ahead of their respective killing sprees. In addition, having independently noted that the building’s custodian does not work Mondays, each staff member has reportedly devised a strategy to stow a bag of weaponry and body armor inside the same janitorial closet for retrieval at precisely 9 a.m.

Every person on the company payroll reported his or her plan was “flawless,” “foolproof,” and “can’t miss.”

“I don’t work on Mondays, so it’s going to catch everyone by surprise when I come in that morning and start shooting,” said custodian Karl White, 51. “I’ll seal off all the exits over the weekend and hide my AR-15 in my closet. That way, when I get there at 9 on Monday, I can just grab it and lay waste to everyone, especially Mr. Kelleher.”

“I’m going to burst right into his office and blow his brains out—I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time,” added White, repeating verbatim the exact plans of associate Kyle Morgan, layout designer Janet Hargraves, human resources coordinator Valorie Fry, IT manager Dwayne Bentley, executive assistant James Yarbrough, assistant to the vice president Alan Gregory, vice president Diane Vervain, the entire sales department, senior partners Danielle Kwan and Dean Osgood, the company’s two interns, and the 19 other individuals employed by the firm.

Additional sources confirmed that at least a dozen former employees who have been laid off or fired by Kelleher Associates within the past five years are also planning to arrive at the office on Jan. 14 to carry out their own shooting sprees.

“Everyone will be totally unprepared when I burst out of my office Monday morning and start firing right into the sales department,” said chief executive Doug Kelleher, who has repeatedly envisioned shooting dead every person he passes in the hallway, and who, in turn, has time and again been gunned down in the minds of those very same people. “And after I take everyone out, there will be nothing left but the ultimate release of putting the gun to my own temple.”

“I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time,” Kelleher added.

All who share the Kelleher Associates office confirmed they had begun making their final preparations for their mass shootings, placing extra assault rifle clips they might need in their desk drawers, above the drop ceilings of their cubicles, or taped under the office kitchen sink, while at least five separate individuals said they had placed clips in the base of the large planter in the office’s entryway.

“There’s no turning back now,” every last person employed at the company told reporters separately. “On Monday, I will finally wreak vengeance on everyone who has stood in my way.”

“I’ll show them all,” all added.

At press time, the company’s employees were all seated at their workstations, simultaneously typing up manifestos they planned to leave for law enforcement to discover following their respective massacres.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close