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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party

'What Are The Odds?' Pasty, Flabby Colleagues Say

ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence that they had somehow each forgotten to bring bathing apparel to the festivities. “Huh, that’s funny. Guess we can’t swim,” said Barbara Fortner, 44, one of the many pale, somewhat overweight employees who remembered to bring alcohol and food to the poolside festivities but, curiously, forgot body-baring swimwear of any kind. “It’s a shame we can’t take a dip. Ah, well.” At press time, the employees were reportedly hovering around a table laden with a variety of dips, barbequed pork, and sheet cake.

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