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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Everyone Giving Up On John After Latest Movie Recommendation

CARLIN, NV—Expressing their exasperation upon watching the latest in his long string of disappointing movie recommendations, friends of area resident John Blakely announced Monday they had decided to give up on him completely. "That's it—he’s done," said 27-year-old Patrick Cairnes, who added that he blamed himself for not giving up on Blakely sooner, especially considering what their friendship went through when Blakely insisted he listen to Kings of Leon. "John went on and on about how I should see The Adjustment Bureau, but then I watched it and it’s fucking terrible. At this point, I'm actually starting to wonder how we became friends in the first place." When asked if Blakely had even once recommended a movie they liked, several friends conceded The Social Network was "pretty good," but said they hardly needed anyone’s endorsement to go see that one.

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