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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Everyone Giving Up On John After Latest Movie Recommendation

CARLIN, NV—Expressing their exasperation upon watching the latest in his long string of disappointing movie recommendations, friends of area resident John Blakely announced Monday they had decided to give up on him completely. "That's it—he’s done," said 27-year-old Patrick Cairnes, who added that he blamed himself for not giving up on Blakely sooner, especially considering what their friendship went through when Blakely insisted he listen to Kings of Leon. "John went on and on about how I should see The Adjustment Bureau, but then I watched it and it’s fucking terrible. At this point, I'm actually starting to wonder how we became friends in the first place." When asked if Blakely had even once recommended a movie they liked, several friends conceded The Social Network was "pretty good," but said they hardly needed anyone’s endorsement to go see that one.

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