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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Everyone Giving Up On John After Latest Movie Recommendation

CARLIN, NV—Expressing their exasperation upon watching the latest in his long string of disappointing movie recommendations, friends of area resident John Blakely announced Monday they had decided to give up on him completely. "That's it—he’s done," said 27-year-old Patrick Cairnes, who added that he blamed himself for not giving up on Blakely sooner, especially considering what their friendship went through when Blakely insisted he listen to Kings of Leon. "John went on and on about how I should see The Adjustment Bureau, but then I watched it and it’s fucking terrible. At this point, I'm actually starting to wonder how we became friends in the first place." When asked if Blakely had even once recommended a movie they liked, several friends conceded The Social Network was "pretty good," but said they hardly needed anyone’s endorsement to go see that one.

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