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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

Brian Jensen
Brian Jensen

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object inhabitting Brian Jensen's dream Friday night was suddenly struck by the unusually strong smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Jensen, a 32-year-old cable installation technician who had fallen asleep several hours earlier, was reportedly in the middle of a conversation with his former high school biology teacher, Mr. Campbell, at the time of the unexpected disturbance.

"Now Brian, I would love nothing more than to help you mend your relationship with your mother, but I'm afraid…wait, is that smoke?" said the dream version of Campbell, who then he set down his briefcase, took an eggplant out of his jacket pocket, and sniffed at the air suspiciously. "Something's definitely burning around here."

Over the next several minutes, Jensen reportedly wandered through the shifting dreamscape, meeting distant cousins, beloved family pets, and automotive pioneer Henry Ford, all of whom appeared visibly concerned with the increasing heat and acridity.

According to dreams sources, the sleeping 32-year-old soon found himself aboard an empty passenger train, where a coughing and gasping German customs officer asked him for his travel documents.

Several times, the man wondered aloud in his thick accent "where all this smoke was coming from," and while stamping Jensen's passport, he twice stopped to rub his stinging red eyes.

"Not since the war have I seen smoke like this," said the German, who sources claimed then slowly melted away to reveal Jensen's former Pizza Hut coworker Craig Weiss. "Dude, it's so fucking hot in here. I'm sweating my balls off."

"Jesus Christ, Brian," the fast-food employee continued. "Did you let another pizza burn or something?"

This incident aboard the train was followed by a succession of other puzzling events, including the sudden appearance of a dozen exploding thermometers, the arrival of a cigarette-smoking bedside lamp, and what sounded like the muffled echoes of banging and screaming coming from behind a small wooden door.

It was also at this point that a frantic gas stove, running around in circles and crying desperately for someone to put it out, was first seen.

"I can't breathe, I can't breathe," shouted folk hero Davy Crockett. "We need to get rid of some of this smoke."

A motion to immediately open a window to let in some fresh air was approved by a majority of those voting in the dream, among them a group of injured boy scouts, sports commentator Marv Albert, Smokey the Bear, and a locked bedroom window. A doctor who had taken Jensen's tonsils out when he was 12 opposed the decision, however, calling instead for immediate evacuation.

Although it's not clear how Jensen wound up in the kitchen of his late uncle Gary's home, dream sources revealed that a cheerleader from Jensen's middle school approached him at that time. Dressed in a short pleated skirt, the cheerleader reportedly leaned in close, parted her perfect red lips, and then blasted the 32-year-old in the face with a blaring fire-truck siren.

"Brian, you're burning up," the slender, giggling teenage girl said. "You're burning up!"

Jensen's romantic efforts were further interrupted when an old woman carrying a tray of candles entered the kitchen and urged him to "please wake up" so he wouldn't be late for work. Moments later, a flaming roof beam screamed at Jensen to get out of its way as it fell and crashed to the ground.

"What are you still doing here—-they're all looking for you," shouted the roof beam, flanked by several other beams all tumbling to the floor. "Nobody can find you!"

At press time, there was an intense smell of rising smoke and slow-roasting pork.

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