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Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

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Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
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Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

Brian Jensen
Brian Jensen

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object inhabitting Brian Jensen's dream Friday night was suddenly struck by the unusually strong smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Jensen, a 32-year-old cable installation technician who had fallen asleep several hours earlier, was reportedly in the middle of a conversation with his former high school biology teacher, Mr. Campbell, at the time of the unexpected disturbance.

"Now Brian, I would love nothing more than to help you mend your relationship with your mother, but I'm afraid…wait, is that smoke?" said the dream version of Campbell, who then he set down his briefcase, took an eggplant out of his jacket pocket, and sniffed at the air suspiciously. "Something's definitely burning around here."

Over the next several minutes, Jensen reportedly wandered through the shifting dreamscape, meeting distant cousins, beloved family pets, and automotive pioneer Henry Ford, all of whom appeared visibly concerned with the increasing heat and acridity.

According to dreams sources, the sleeping 32-year-old soon found himself aboard an empty passenger train, where a coughing and gasping German customs officer asked him for his travel documents.

Several times, the man wondered aloud in his thick accent "where all this smoke was coming from," and while stamping Jensen's passport, he twice stopped to rub his stinging red eyes.

"Not since the war have I seen smoke like this," said the German, who sources claimed then slowly melted away to reveal Jensen's former Pizza Hut coworker Craig Weiss. "Dude, it's so fucking hot in here. I'm sweating my balls off."

"Jesus Christ, Brian," the fast-food employee continued. "Did you let another pizza burn or something?"

This incident aboard the train was followed by a succession of other puzzling events, including the sudden appearance of a dozen exploding thermometers, the arrival of a cigarette-smoking bedside lamp, and what sounded like the muffled echoes of banging and screaming coming from behind a small wooden door.

It was also at this point that a frantic gas stove, running around in circles and crying desperately for someone to put it out, was first seen.

"I can't breathe, I can't breathe," shouted folk hero Davy Crockett. "We need to get rid of some of this smoke."

A motion to immediately open a window to let in some fresh air was approved by a majority of those voting in the dream, among them a group of injured boy scouts, sports commentator Marv Albert, Smokey the Bear, and a locked bedroom window. A doctor who had taken Jensen's tonsils out when he was 12 opposed the decision, however, calling instead for immediate evacuation.

Although it's not clear how Jensen wound up in the kitchen of his late uncle Gary's home, dream sources revealed that a cheerleader from Jensen's middle school approached him at that time. Dressed in a short pleated skirt, the cheerleader reportedly leaned in close, parted her perfect red lips, and then blasted the 32-year-old in the face with a blaring fire-truck siren.

"Brian, you're burning up," the slender, giggling teenage girl said. "You're burning up!"

Jensen's romantic efforts were further interrupted when an old woman carrying a tray of candles entered the kitchen and urged him to "please wake up" so he wouldn't be late for work. Moments later, a flaming roof beam screamed at Jensen to get out of its way as it fell and crashed to the ground.

"What are you still doing here—-they're all looking for you," shouted the roof beam, flanked by several other beams all tumbling to the floor. "Nobody can find you!"

At press time, there was an intense smell of rising smoke and slow-roasting pork.

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