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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep

STOCKTON, CA—Citing numerous examples of ostracization and failure to fit in, all of Paul and Martha Klessig’s three children see themselves as the black sheep of the family.

Self-proclaimed black sheep Tim, Jack, and Anna Klessig (L to R) with their parents.

“I’ve always been the outcast,” said son Jack Klessig, 21, a video-store assistant manager and aspiring musician. “Everybody else in my family, they’re all, like, these total straight arrows and super-responsible. I’m the only one who’s wandered off the traditional path.”

Continued Jack: “Mom and Dad are so proud of Anna and Tim. See, Tim is engaged and is co-owner of a landscaping business, and Anna is actually using her art degree to do her metal work. I got a history degree, but I’m just doing my thing, hoping the band takes off. They think I’m wasting my education and going nowhere.”

Tim, at 29 the oldest of the three Klessig children, feels a similar sense of alienation from the family.

“I am definitely the odd man out,” Tim said. “Mom and Dad know that I’m the only one who smokes pot. You’d think that being in a band, Jack would be a big pot guy, but he doesn’t do any drugs. Same with Anna. You gotta be straitlaced to fit in with the Klessigs, and I’m anything but.”

“It also doesn’t help that I’m the oldest but still the least responsible,” Tim added. “Jack always remembers birthdays and is really good about keeping in touch with phone calls and e-mails, even though he lives in another city. Anna gives Mom and Dad the most thoughtful gifts. Shit, I’m lucky if I can remember my own goddamn birthday. I mean, they’re my family, and I love them, but I’ll never really belong the way Jack and Anna do. I swear, sometimes I think I’m adopted.”

Anna, 27, said she has felt vaguely disconnected from her family since she was a teenager.

“Even when I was 14, I knew I was different,” Anna said. “Mom and Dad spent way more time with the boys. We’d take family camping trips, and while everyone would be off fishing together, I’d hang back at the campsite and do something creative by myself. And now that I make my living as an independent jewelry designer, that just confirms their suspicions about me being some artsy, loner weirdo.”

Anna also feels that her status as a single woman in her late 20s has increased her marginalization.

“I’m happily unmarried, and that really blows my parents’ minds,” Anna said. “Tim is getting married in October, and it’s okay for Jack not to be married, because he’s a guy, and he’s only 21. But not me. Mom thinks I should have a husband and a bunch of screaming babies at my feet. I’m sorry, but if not wanting that puts me on the outside, so be it.”

Told of her children’s feelings, Martha Klessig expressed confusion.

“I’m not sure why they feel that way, “ Martha said. “We don’t have a judgment scale for our offspring. They’re all our children, and we love each of them equally. It’s not like my family growing up: I stuck out like a sore thumb because I read poetry and dropped out of college while my brothers got business degrees.”

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