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Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep

STOCKTON, CA—Citing numerous examples of ostracization and failure to fit in, all of Paul and Martha Klessig’s three children see themselves as the black sheep of the family.

Self-proclaimed black sheep Tim, Jack, and Anna Klessig (L to R) with their parents.

“I’ve always been the outcast,” said son Jack Klessig, 21, a video-store assistant manager and aspiring musician. “Everybody else in my family, they’re all, like, these total straight arrows and super-responsible. I’m the only one who’s wandered off the traditional path.”

Continued Jack: “Mom and Dad are so proud of Anna and Tim. See, Tim is engaged and is co-owner of a landscaping business, and Anna is actually using her art degree to do her metal work. I got a history degree, but I’m just doing my thing, hoping the band takes off. They think I’m wasting my education and going nowhere.”

Tim, at 29 the oldest of the three Klessig children, feels a similar sense of alienation from the family.

“I am definitely the odd man out,” Tim said. “Mom and Dad know that I’m the only one who smokes pot. You’d think that being in a band, Jack would be a big pot guy, but he doesn’t do any drugs. Same with Anna. You gotta be straitlaced to fit in with the Klessigs, and I’m anything but.”

“It also doesn’t help that I’m the oldest but still the least responsible,” Tim added. “Jack always remembers birthdays and is really good about keeping in touch with phone calls and e-mails, even though he lives in another city. Anna gives Mom and Dad the most thoughtful gifts. Shit, I’m lucky if I can remember my own goddamn birthday. I mean, they’re my family, and I love them, but I’ll never really belong the way Jack and Anna do. I swear, sometimes I think I’m adopted.”

Anna, 27, said she has felt vaguely disconnected from her family since she was a teenager.

“Even when I was 14, I knew I was different,” Anna said. “Mom and Dad spent way more time with the boys. We’d take family camping trips, and while everyone would be off fishing together, I’d hang back at the campsite and do something creative by myself. And now that I make my living as an independent jewelry designer, that just confirms their suspicions about me being some artsy, loner weirdo.”

Anna also feels that her status as a single woman in her late 20s has increased her marginalization.

“I’m happily unmarried, and that really blows my parents’ minds,” Anna said. “Tim is getting married in October, and it’s okay for Jack not to be married, because he’s a guy, and he’s only 21. But not me. Mom thinks I should have a husband and a bunch of screaming babies at my feet. I’m sorry, but if not wanting that puts me on the outside, so be it.”

Told of her children’s feelings, Martha Klessig expressed confusion.

“I’m not sure why they feel that way, “ Martha said. “We don’t have a judgment scale for our offspring. They’re all our children, and we love each of them equally. It’s not like my family growing up: I stuck out like a sore thumb because I read poetry and dropped out of college while my brothers got business degrees.”

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