Everyone In Improv Troupe Balding

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Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

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This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

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How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Everyone In Improv Troupe Balding

Rapidly balding members of the improv troupe Calhoun.
Rapidly balding members of the improv troupe Calhoun.

NEW YORK—Every member of local improvisational troupe “Calhoun” is balding, audience members observed Tuesday during the group’s 8 p.m. performance.

According to sources, the group—which spent the majority of its 35-minute set playing various silly characters, doing outrageous voices, and pretending to be animals or members of the opposite sex—consists solely of adult males in their mid-to-late 30s who are either completely bald or have severely receded hairlines.

“Great fucking set,” out-of-breath Calhoun member Daryl Crane said after the performance, sweat collecting in rills on his thin-haired scalp. “Everyone was on fucking fire. Adam, that move you made, when you called back to the prison scene—where the hell did that come from? Fucking genius.”

“I was, like, I’ll just follow Adam and see where this thing goes,” added Crane, his slightly undersized American Apparel T-shirt tightly hugging his sweaty, protruding stomach.

Calhoun, which features balding members Crane, 37, Sam Rosen, 36, Nick Clewson, 34, and Michael Fray, 33, met at a local improvisational comedy theater in 2004. Each member completed five training courses and took several classes together, during which, according to the follicly challenged men, they bonded because other members in the class “didn’t really get [their] weird sense of humor.”

Along with losing a substantial amount of hair over the past eight years, group members have also never received any type of compensation for their performances, and have in fact lost upwards of $5,000 traveling to various improvisational festivals.

In addition, not a single member of the troupe, all of whom graduated from college more than a decade ago, has ever held a job paying more than $45,000 a year.

“We met and it just clicked because we shared the same comedic sensibilities,” said Clewson, whose hairline, while robust by the group’s standards, begins approximately 7 inches above his eyes. “When people ask me to characterize our voice, I say it’s like an equal mix of really silly and really smart. Like that scene we did where Abraham Lincoln is a freshman in college—why the fuck was Anne Frank there? That’s such a classic Calhoun scene.”

Throughout their time in the group, members of Calhoun—most of whom also smoke cigarettes, spend a majority of their time hanging around a theater with other balding performers, and take advantage of much younger female newcomers to the improv community—have prioritized rehearsals and performances over responsibilities to family, friends, and work.

Clewson quit his full-time job last summer and took on a temporary catering position to devote more time to improv. Rosen didn’t go home to his family in Minnesota last Christmas because the group was asked to open for a weekend mainstage show, after which Clewson cornered a manager from a talent agency and got his business card.

At press time, the manager has not replied to Clewson’s e-mails.

“We’ve been getting our names out there, for sure,” said the almost 40-year-old Crane, referring to several recent performances attended by small groups of their friends. “We’ve been making steady inroads in the city, and trying to do more traveling. Last year we went to Montreal for Just for Laughs. We didn’t have a slot, but we did a lot of great networking.”

“We’re doing awesome,” the visibly out-of-shape and haggard-looking Crane added. “But we can’t get complacent. We’re going to take a refresher class with [balding improv teacher Eric] Corpin next month. That guy’s a genius. He was a consultant on that Kelsey Grammer sketch show.”

While the group has written half a dozen television spec scripts and created several web video shorts, members insist that improvisation will remain the basis of everything they do. In fact, the group is thinking about writing a sketch show cobbled together from some of their most successful improv scenes.

Fray and Rosen, both of whom have wives and children to support, believe 2013 will be Calhoun’s year.

“We are close to something big,” said Fray, who three years ago decided that if he didn’t start making money from performing within the next year he would quit improv altogether. “I can feel it.”