When tragedy struck Kansas City today, Onion reporters were first on the scene. This is a video recap of our coverage of the Gunman story that began this morning when she killed zero in a crowded mall.
INDIANAPOLIS—Staff members of the National Collegiate Athletic Association's main office engaged in reserved celebration Monday night, as Florida's victory resulted in each employee correctly and exactly predicting the winner of all 64 games in the tournament. "We've all clearly worked here together for too long, because we all turned in identical brackets, and we all did so within 15 minutes of the tournament schedule being announced," said a source close to the NCAA office who wished to remain anonymous and repeatedly insisted that he did not take part in the pool. "And we need a better system for tie-breakers than guessing the score of the final. Everyone got that one, too." Asked to comment about the situation, NCAA president Myles Brand said that he does not condone betting on college basketball, especially in an office where the payout for all the winners "was so low this year that I probably won't even participate anymore."