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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Everyone In Red Sox Locker Room Just Assumed Jason Varitek Died

BOSTON—Catcher Jason Varitek's entrance into the Boston clubhouse Tuesday was punctuated by startled shouts and the clatter of dropped objects, as his Red Sox teammates explained that they had all just assumed the veteran player had died. "I could have sworn he died after the All-Star break," second baseman Dustin Pedroia, who sent flowers and a card to Varitek's family, told reporters. "I don't remember seeing him on base at all last season, much less in the lineup or catching. I thought that's why we got Victor [Martinez], because Jason was dead. Right?" Though Pedroia insisted that it was good to see his teammate again, he was still not entirely convinced that Varitek was not dead after watching him take a round of batting practice.

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