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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Everyone In Sears Spanking A Child

ROCHESTER, NY—Citing offenses such as talking back, whining, and touching everything in the goddamn store, every adult shopper in Sears’ Medley Center Parkway location is currently spanking their child, sources confirmed Thursday. “Knock it off, Jeremy!” said local parent Tim Bonstell, one of hundreds of exasperated fathers and mothers simultaneously stooping down to smack the bottoms of their misbehaving youngsters. “I said quit it! Emily, do you want a spanking, too?” At press time, every single man and woman at Sears was tugging a child by the arm toward the exit and promising they’d be sorry when they got home.

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