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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Everyone In Town Hall Debate Audience Has Spouse Who Lost Health Insurance And Is Dying Of Cancer

HEMPSTEAD, NY—According to reports from Tuesday’s presidential debate at Hofstra University, every member of the town hall audience has a spouse who is battling late-stage cancer, the treatment for which they cannot afford because all of them have lost their health insurance within the past year. “My name is Marjorie Cochran, and my husband Robert was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma just days after being dropped by his HMO,” said an audience member, who, like the individuals seated to her left, right, front, and back, has been laid off from her job, is worried she won’t be able to afford to send her daughter to college, owns a home that has gone into foreclosure, lives in a school district that has enacted painful budget cuts, and has a child currently serving in Afghanistan. “My question to you is, how can I afford the life-saving procedures and medication my husband needs, considering I’m just barely able to keep my small business afloat in this terrible economic climate? Thank you.” Cochran, along with every other attendee at the David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Complex, then nodded in solemn agreement when a woman asked a follow-up question about how the candidates expected her to support her young child with special needs on a single salary.

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