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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Everyone In Whitey Bulger Trial Found Dead In Woods Outside Dorchester

DORCHESTER, MA—The ongoing trial of notorious Boston crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger on 19 murder-related charges took another pivotal turn today as Massachusetts authorities discovered the bodies of every single person involved in the trial in a wooded area outside Dorchester, law enforcement officials announced this afternoon. “At approximately 9:30 a.m. this morning, police identified the bodies of 347 people in a wooded area near Columbia Road, including one District Court judge, five prosecuting attorneys, 18 jurors, 32 potential witnesses, and dozens of gallery spectators,” Middlesex District Attorney Marian Ryan said of the new development, in which officers also discovered the remains of three courtroom sketch artists, seven Boston Globe reporters, 10 alleged extortion victims, a bailiff, 28 relatives of alleged extortion victims, 31 state police chiefs, and 50 local businessmen. “Autopsies were conducted today by the Office of the Medical Examiner and officers determined that the deaths resulted from natural causes. The incident remains under investigation by state authorities, and we will update the public as necessary.” At press time, a spokesman for the Federal Bureau of Investigation could not be reached for comment.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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