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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Everyone In Whitey Bulger Trial Found Dead In Woods Outside Dorchester

DORCHESTER, MA—The ongoing trial of notorious Boston crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger on 19 murder-related charges took another pivotal turn today as Massachusetts authorities discovered the bodies of every single person involved in the trial in a wooded area outside Dorchester, law enforcement officials announced this afternoon. “At approximately 9:30 a.m. this morning, police identified the bodies of 347 people in a wooded area near Columbia Road, including one District Court judge, five prosecuting attorneys, 18 jurors, 32 potential witnesses, and dozens of gallery spectators,” Middlesex District Attorney Marian Ryan said of the new development, in which officers also discovered the remains of three courtroom sketch artists, seven Boston Globe reporters, 10 alleged extortion victims, a bailiff, 28 relatives of alleged extortion victims, 31 state police chiefs, and 50 local businessmen. “Autopsies were conducted today by the Office of the Medical Examiner and officers determined that the deaths resulted from natural causes. The incident remains under investigation by state authorities, and we will update the public as necessary.” At press time, a spokesman for the Federal Bureau of Investigation could not be reached for comment.

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