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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Everyone In Whitey Bulger Trial Found Dead In Woods Outside Dorchester

DORCHESTER, MA—The ongoing trial of notorious Boston crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger on 19 murder-related charges took another pivotal turn today as Massachusetts authorities discovered the bodies of every single person involved in the trial in a wooded area outside Dorchester, law enforcement officials announced this afternoon. “At approximately 9:30 a.m. this morning, police identified the bodies of 347 people in a wooded area near Columbia Road, including one District Court judge, five prosecuting attorneys, 18 jurors, 32 potential witnesses, and dozens of gallery spectators,” Middlesex District Attorney Marian Ryan said of the new development, in which officers also discovered the remains of three courtroom sketch artists, seven Boston Globe reporters, 10 alleged extortion victims, a bailiff, 28 relatives of alleged extortion victims, 31 state police chiefs, and 50 local businessmen. “Autopsies were conducted today by the Office of the Medical Examiner and officers determined that the deaths resulted from natural causes. The incident remains under investigation by state authorities, and we will update the public as necessary.” At press time, a spokesman for the Federal Bureau of Investigation could not be reached for comment.

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