Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

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Vol 34 Issue 10

Changing Weather Inspires Area Conversationalist

AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out there," the 41-year-old Cadieux told fellow elevator passenger Jennifer Broderick, who was held rapt by the master monologuist's musings on the seasonal change. "I tell you, before you know it, it'll be time to dust off the old parka and break out the snow shovel."

Harper's Index: Percentage Of Harper's Readers Who Only Read Index: 98

NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read the long-running index feature is 98. "Percentage of Harper's readers who stopped reading the magazine years ago and now only look at this page, if anything at all, before tossing it on their bathroom floor to seem smart to guests: 98," the index read.

Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her, Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

BEAUMONT, TX–Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an ass on her, it was reported Tuesday. "That is one tight, juicy little ass that waitress has got on her," Riggs said. "Yes sir, that is one sweet little can, you know I got that right." Riggs added that you would not believe the things he would do if he ever got that ass all to himself.

Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient

ASHEVILLE, NC–Mary Griebe, a 68-year-old uninsured woman suffering from severe chest pain, was turned away by St. Jude Mercy Hospital Tuesday. "Unfortunately, Mercy Hospital is unable to treat patients whose ability to pay is unclear," said hospital director Dr. Wesley Simmons. "The chest-pain sufferer who arrived at our emergency room was given directions to several other nearby hospitals that might be more willing to help her, including Good Samaritan General, Hope & Compassion County, and Basic Human Decency General."

Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that all highway mile markers will be replaced with raccoon carcasses. "Unlike the current mile markers, which are expensive and need frequent maintenance, dead raccoons are cheap to manufacture and can already be found at quarter-mile intervals on virtually every highway in America," Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater said. "All we need to do is spread the raccoons out evenly, and we'll be set."

I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

I used to love to go to the pet store, but then last week Mr. Schumacher told me I can't come in no more. They have such nice animals there, and I'm sad because now I can't touch them.

Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
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Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

AUSTIN, TX–Everyone involved in the preparation, delivery, purchase and consumption of a pizza from Tony's New York-Style Pizzeria was thoroughly baked off his ass, it was reported Monday.

"From its creation at the hands of a stoned-out-of-his-mind pizzeria employee to its eventual consumption by a group of guys so unbelievably high they didn't even realize they had mistakenly given the delivery driver a $20 tip, this pizza spent its entire existence in a dense cloud of marijuana fumes," said pizza-industry watchdog Roger Dernier, who has been monitoring the link between pizza production and illegal drug use since 1991. "In the brief time this pizza spent on Earth, at no point did it come into contact with a single non-stoned human being."

Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

According to reports, the pizza–a 16-inch black-olive and green-pepper pie mistakenly topped with extra cheese and sausage–was first conceptualized by area stoner Doug Bickell at approximately 11:30 p.m. Sunday, when he said to housemate Bob Wang during a rewatching of that evening's videotaped X-Files episode, "Hey, Wangster, how's about we dial up some killer chow?" Though the pizza was merely a potentiality at that point, the food item's 100-percent-stoned life cycle had already begun, as both Bickell and Wang "had a major buzz on."

After spending the next 19 minutes deciding which pizzeria to call, Wang and Bickell moved into the next phase of the pizza saga, an 11-minute search for a $2 coupon. After an exhaustive search, it was finally found on the coffee table directly next to the phone.

"It is interesting to note," Dernier said, "that even this coupon, an admittedly secondary aspect of the pizza's story, was made by somebody who was also stoned, as evidenced by its offer of '$2 Offf.'"

The pizza entered the next phase of its THC-soaked existence when pizzeria employee Wayne "Mr. Moondog" Lindeman, a technical-college dropout and noted Austin-area bongo drummer, took the phone order from the two largely incapacitated customers.

"It took me a while to figure out what they wanted," Lindeman said. "When I was listing off the toppings we've got, they kept asking if they could get, like, Fritos or sandwiches on the pizza. Plus, there were a ton of calls on hold, and I was getting pretty stressed trying to get their order and move on to the next caller. But, luckily, me and Greg had just toked down this huge-ass fatty in the walk-in cooler, so I was able to maintain a mellow attitude throughout."

After taking the order, Lindeman relayed it to co-worker and fellow stoner Greg Kanner. Kanner, normally a cashier, was forced to make pizzas that evening due to the absence of regular cook Ronny Poquette, who had skipped work because he was "tripping his ass off."

At 1 a.m. Monday, the pizza came into material being for the first time. Almost immediately, it reflected the influence of marijuana in the form of its erroneous meat topping, which had not been ordered by the vegetarian Wang.

"I wasn't really trained to do what I was doing, but I figured, shit, how hard can it be?" Kanner said. "After all, it's just pizza, right? But I was so high, I got kind of confused about the toppings. It was no big deal, though."

After an extended wait for delivery driver Kurt Behr to return to the store–reportedly the result of Behr taking an unscheduled break to get high and make out with his girlfriend Christine between delivery runs–the pizza was finally picked up and dispatched to the Wang-Bickell residence.

"Not surprisingly, there were still several detours and delays standing between the pizza and its final destination," Dernier said. "For one, Behr went to the wrong address at least four times. Also, Bickell and Wang had forgotten to include their apartment number with the order. Furthermore, Behr ran out of gas about 10 minutes into the trip and had to walk to a nearby station with a gas can to get more."

Approximately 50 minutes into his journey, Behr was heard to exclaim, "Shit, man, I've lived in this town for, like, four years, but I still can't think of where the hell Blount Street's at. Fuck!" Behr later described the prolonged Blount Street search as "a serious fucking hassle."

Matters were further complicated by the five phone calls Bickell and Wang made to the pizzeria to inquire about the status of their pizza. "They were seriously bitching me out," said Lindeman, who was royally baked at the time. "I was like, 'Dude, just chill, your pizza will be there any sec.'"

Finally, at 3:10 a.m., more than three hours after the order was placed, the pizza reached its destination.

"By the time [Behr] showed up, the pizza was cold, The X-Files was long over, and we were practically unconscious because we'd started pulling hits off Wang's three-foot Grafix," Bickell said. "But he said we could have it free, so we weren't pissed or nothing. We invited him in and the three of us just pulled bingers and chowed that shit down. It's, like, against the Wangster's beliefs and shit to eat sausage and pepperoni, but he was cool about it. To tell you the truth, I don't think he even noticed."

Added Bickell: "Then we all just sat back and vegged out. I think maybe Barbarella was on cable, 'cause I remember some funny shit with these alien space-chicks or something. It's kind of hard to really follow the chain of events at that point because, basically, everybody was out of their freaking minds on dope."

According to Dernier, the incident is not an isolated one: He estimated that each year in the U.S., as many as 25 million pizzas lead such drug-saturated existences.

"Sadly, for millions of pizzas, interaction with non-stoned humans is simply not an option," Dernier said. "That's why it's crucial that those of us who are not higher than shit on primo weed occasionally take the time to order a pizza to offset this overwhelming imbalance and give some of our pies a chance to be exposed to alternative, non-stoned lifestyles."

No charges have been filed in connection with the incident, though Behr was verbally reprimanded later that night by a police officer for sleeping on the hood of his parked delivery vehicle.

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