adBlockCheck

Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

Top Headlines

Business

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

AUSTIN, TX–Everyone involved in the preparation, delivery, purchase and consumption of a pizza from Tony's New York-Style Pizzeria was thoroughly baked off his ass, it was reported Monday.

"From its creation at the hands of a stoned-out-of-his-mind pizzeria employee to its eventual consumption by a group of guys so unbelievably high they didn't even realize they had mistakenly given the delivery driver a $20 tip, this pizza spent its entire existence in a dense cloud of marijuana fumes," said pizza-industry watchdog Roger Dernier, who has been monitoring the link between pizza production and illegal drug use since 1991. "In the brief time this pizza spent on Earth, at no point did it come into contact with a single non-stoned human being."

Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

According to reports, the pizza–a 16-inch black-olive and green-pepper pie mistakenly topped with extra cheese and sausage–was first conceptualized by area stoner Doug Bickell at approximately 11:30 p.m. Sunday, when he said to housemate Bob Wang during a rewatching of that evening's videotaped X-Files episode, "Hey, Wangster, how's about we dial up some killer chow?" Though the pizza was merely a potentiality at that point, the food item's 100-percent-stoned life cycle had already begun, as both Bickell and Wang "had a major buzz on."

After spending the next 19 minutes deciding which pizzeria to call, Wang and Bickell moved into the next phase of the pizza saga, an 11-minute search for a $2 coupon. After an exhaustive search, it was finally found on the coffee table directly next to the phone.

"It is interesting to note," Dernier said, "that even this coupon, an admittedly secondary aspect of the pizza's story, was made by somebody who was also stoned, as evidenced by its offer of '$2 Offf.'"

The pizza entered the next phase of its THC-soaked existence when pizzeria employee Wayne "Mr. Moondog" Lindeman, a technical-college dropout and noted Austin-area bongo drummer, took the phone order from the two largely incapacitated customers.

"It took me a while to figure out what they wanted," Lindeman said. "When I was listing off the toppings we've got, they kept asking if they could get, like, Fritos or sandwiches on the pizza. Plus, there were a ton of calls on hold, and I was getting pretty stressed trying to get their order and move on to the next caller. But, luckily, me and Greg had just toked down this huge-ass fatty in the walk-in cooler, so I was able to maintain a mellow attitude throughout."

After taking the order, Lindeman relayed it to co-worker and fellow stoner Greg Kanner. Kanner, normally a cashier, was forced to make pizzas that evening due to the absence of regular cook Ronny Poquette, who had skipped work because he was "tripping his ass off."

At 1 a.m. Monday, the pizza came into material being for the first time. Almost immediately, it reflected the influence of marijuana in the form of its erroneous meat topping, which had not been ordered by the vegetarian Wang.

"I wasn't really trained to do what I was doing, but I figured, shit, how hard can it be?" Kanner said. "After all, it's just pizza, right? But I was so high, I got kind of confused about the toppings. It was no big deal, though."

After an extended wait for delivery driver Kurt Behr to return to the store–reportedly the result of Behr taking an unscheduled break to get high and make out with his girlfriend Christine between delivery runs–the pizza was finally picked up and dispatched to the Wang-Bickell residence.

"Not surprisingly, there were still several detours and delays standing between the pizza and its final destination," Dernier said. "For one, Behr went to the wrong address at least four times. Also, Bickell and Wang had forgotten to include their apartment number with the order. Furthermore, Behr ran out of gas about 10 minutes into the trip and had to walk to a nearby station with a gas can to get more."

Approximately 50 minutes into his journey, Behr was heard to exclaim, "Shit, man, I've lived in this town for, like, four years, but I still can't think of where the hell Blount Street's at. Fuck!" Behr later described the prolonged Blount Street search as "a serious fucking hassle."

Matters were further complicated by the five phone calls Bickell and Wang made to the pizzeria to inquire about the status of their pizza. "They were seriously bitching me out," said Lindeman, who was royally baked at the time. "I was like, 'Dude, just chill, your pizza will be there any sec.'"

Finally, at 3:10 a.m., more than three hours after the order was placed, the pizza reached its destination.

"By the time [Behr] showed up, the pizza was cold, The X-Files was long over, and we were practically unconscious because we'd started pulling hits off Wang's three-foot Grafix," Bickell said. "But he said we could have it free, so we weren't pissed or nothing. We invited him in and the three of us just pulled bingers and chowed that shit down. It's, like, against the Wangster's beliefs and shit to eat sausage and pepperoni, but he was cool about it. To tell you the truth, I don't think he even noticed."

Added Bickell: "Then we all just sat back and vegged out. I think maybe Barbarella was on cable, 'cause I remember some funny shit with these alien space-chicks or something. It's kind of hard to really follow the chain of events at that point because, basically, everybody was out of their freaking minds on dope."

According to Dernier, the incident is not an isolated one: He estimated that each year in the U.S., as many as 25 million pizzas lead such drug-saturated existences.

"Sadly, for millions of pizzas, interaction with non-stoned humans is simply not an option," Dernier said. "That's why it's crucial that those of us who are not higher than shit on primo weed occasionally take the time to order a pizza to offset this overwhelming imbalance and give some of our pies a chance to be exposed to alternative, non-stoned lifestyles."

No charges have been filed in connection with the incident, though Behr was verbally reprimanded later that night by a police officer for sleeping on the hood of his parked delivery vehicle.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close