Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

Top Headlines

Business

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Food

Good Times

Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

AUSTIN, TX–Everyone involved in the preparation, delivery, purchase and consumption of a pizza from Tony's New York-Style Pizzeria was thoroughly baked off his ass, it was reported Monday.

"From its creation at the hands of a stoned-out-of-his-mind pizzeria employee to its eventual consumption by a group of guys so unbelievably high they didn't even realize they had mistakenly given the delivery driver a $20 tip, this pizza spent its entire existence in a dense cloud of marijuana fumes," said pizza-industry watchdog Roger Dernier, who has been monitoring the link between pizza production and illegal drug use since 1991. "In the brief time this pizza spent on Earth, at no point did it come into contact with a single non-stoned human being."

Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

According to reports, the pizza–a 16-inch black-olive and green-pepper pie mistakenly topped with extra cheese and sausage–was first conceptualized by area stoner Doug Bickell at approximately 11:30 p.m. Sunday, when he said to housemate Bob Wang during a rewatching of that evening's videotaped X-Files episode, "Hey, Wangster, how's about we dial up some killer chow?" Though the pizza was merely a potentiality at that point, the food item's 100-percent-stoned life cycle had already begun, as both Bickell and Wang "had a major buzz on."

After spending the next 19 minutes deciding which pizzeria to call, Wang and Bickell moved into the next phase of the pizza saga, an 11-minute search for a $2 coupon. After an exhaustive search, it was finally found on the coffee table directly next to the phone.

"It is interesting to note," Dernier said, "that even this coupon, an admittedly secondary aspect of the pizza's story, was made by somebody who was also stoned, as evidenced by its offer of '$2 Offf.'"

The pizza entered the next phase of its THC-soaked existence when pizzeria employee Wayne "Mr. Moondog" Lindeman, a technical-college dropout and noted Austin-area bongo drummer, took the phone order from the two largely incapacitated customers.

"It took me a while to figure out what they wanted," Lindeman said. "When I was listing off the toppings we've got, they kept asking if they could get, like, Fritos or sandwiches on the pizza. Plus, there were a ton of calls on hold, and I was getting pretty stressed trying to get their order and move on to the next caller. But, luckily, me and Greg had just toked down this huge-ass fatty in the walk-in cooler, so I was able to maintain a mellow attitude throughout."

After taking the order, Lindeman relayed it to co-worker and fellow stoner Greg Kanner. Kanner, normally a cashier, was forced to make pizzas that evening due to the absence of regular cook Ronny Poquette, who had skipped work because he was "tripping his ass off."

At 1 a.m. Monday, the pizza came into material being for the first time. Almost immediately, it reflected the influence of marijuana in the form of its erroneous meat topping, which had not been ordered by the vegetarian Wang.

"I wasn't really trained to do what I was doing, but I figured, shit, how hard can it be?" Kanner said. "After all, it's just pizza, right? But I was so high, I got kind of confused about the toppings. It was no big deal, though."

After an extended wait for delivery driver Kurt Behr to return to the store–reportedly the result of Behr taking an unscheduled break to get high and make out with his girlfriend Christine between delivery runs–the pizza was finally picked up and dispatched to the Wang-Bickell residence.

"Not surprisingly, there were still several detours and delays standing between the pizza and its final destination," Dernier said. "For one, Behr went to the wrong address at least four times. Also, Bickell and Wang had forgotten to include their apartment number with the order. Furthermore, Behr ran out of gas about 10 minutes into the trip and had to walk to a nearby station with a gas can to get more."

Approximately 50 minutes into his journey, Behr was heard to exclaim, "Shit, man, I've lived in this town for, like, four years, but I still can't think of where the hell Blount Street's at. Fuck!" Behr later described the prolonged Blount Street search as "a serious fucking hassle."

Matters were further complicated by the five phone calls Bickell and Wang made to the pizzeria to inquire about the status of their pizza. "They were seriously bitching me out," said Lindeman, who was royally baked at the time. "I was like, 'Dude, just chill, your pizza will be there any sec.'"

Finally, at 3:10 a.m., more than three hours after the order was placed, the pizza reached its destination.

"By the time [Behr] showed up, the pizza was cold, The X-Files was long over, and we were practically unconscious because we'd started pulling hits off Wang's three-foot Grafix," Bickell said. "But he said we could have it free, so we weren't pissed or nothing. We invited him in and the three of us just pulled bingers and chowed that shit down. It's, like, against the Wangster's beliefs and shit to eat sausage and pepperoni, but he was cool about it. To tell you the truth, I don't think he even noticed."

Added Bickell: "Then we all just sat back and vegged out. I think maybe Barbarella was on cable, 'cause I remember some funny shit with these alien space-chicks or something. It's kind of hard to really follow the chain of events at that point because, basically, everybody was out of their freaking minds on dope."

According to Dernier, the incident is not an isolated one: He estimated that each year in the U.S., as many as 25 million pizzas lead such drug-saturated existences.

"Sadly, for millions of pizzas, interaction with non-stoned humans is simply not an option," Dernier said. "That's why it's crucial that those of us who are not higher than shit on primo weed occasionally take the time to order a pizza to offset this overwhelming imbalance and give some of our pies a chance to be exposed to alternative, non-stoned lifestyles."

No charges have been filed in connection with the incident, though Behr was verbally reprimanded later that night by a police officer for sleeping on the hood of his parked delivery vehicle.