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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Everyone On Seahawks A Bad Secret Weapon

SEATTLE—Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said in a press conference Friday that the Seahawks would be one of the biggest surprises of the 2011 season, as the team is entirely made up of bad secret weapons. “Tarvaris Jackson is going to surprise everyone with his play in our losses this season, tight end Jamison Konz is a threat to make crucial mistakes from anywhere on the field, and no one’s even going to see Charlie Whitehurst coming—he’s that bad,” said Carroll, adding that the team may soon unleash fullback Eddie Williams, a little-known third year player with no actual playing experience who will undoubtedly perform terribly in key short-yardage situations. “Defenses will just have too much to account for—they won’t know where their next easy sack, high wobbling interception, or unforced fumble is coming from.” Carroll said he was excited to see all the terrible players get their chances to screw up, but revealed his idiotic, poorly-thought-out game plan is the team’s best-kept bad secret weapon.

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