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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Everyone On Seahawks A Bad Secret Weapon

SEATTLE—Seahawks coach Pete Carroll said in a press conference Friday that the Seahawks would be one of the biggest surprises of the 2011 season, as the team is entirely made up of bad secret weapons. “Tarvaris Jackson is going to surprise everyone with his play in our losses this season, tight end Jamison Konz is a threat to make crucial mistakes from anywhere on the field, and no one’s even going to see Charlie Whitehurst coming—he’s that bad,” said Carroll, adding that the team may soon unleash fullback Eddie Williams, a little-known third year player with no actual playing experience who will undoubtedly perform terribly in key short-yardage situations. “Defenses will just have too much to account for—they won’t know where their next easy sack, high wobbling interception, or unforced fumble is coming from.” Carroll said he was excited to see all the terrible players get their chances to screw up, but revealed his idiotic, poorly-thought-out game plan is the team’s best-kept bad secret weapon.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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