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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Everyone On Wedding Dance Floor Simultaneously Wondering If They’re Truly Happy

RICHMOND, VA—With the marriage ceremony and the words of advice from several speeches about love still fresh in their minds as they move and bounce to the live five-piece band, everyone on the dance floor at the Elliott–Begneaud wedding reception is simultaneously wondering if they are truly happy, sources are confirming. According to reports, every wedding attendee regardless of age or relationship status—from the bridesmaids, to family members, to those who do not know either the bride or the groom and were invited as dates of friends and relatives—is at this moment ruminating over whether their current circumstances in life have left them contented and whether the person dancing across from them is the singular person in the world with whom they are meant to spend their lives. After the music shifted from an up-tempo pop song to a slow-dance standard, accounts confirmed that even the bride and groom are feeling a momentary pang of sadness at the sight of their unmarried friends dancing around them, with both newlyweds privately doubting whether they would ever feel the exuberant, untroubled excitement of their single days again. At press time, everyone on the dance floor had concluded that the only wedding guest who was truly happy was the suit-clad 8-year-old currently busting a series of moves by himself at the center of a cleared-out dance circle.

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