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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Everyone On Wedding Dance Floor Simultaneously Wondering If They’re Truly Happy

RICHMOND, VA—With the marriage ceremony and the words of advice from several speeches about love still fresh in their minds as they move and bounce to the live five-piece band, everyone on the dance floor at the Elliott–Begneaud wedding reception is simultaneously wondering if they are truly happy, sources are confirming. According to reports, every wedding attendee regardless of age or relationship status—from the bridesmaids, to family members, to those who do not know either the bride or the groom and were invited as dates of friends and relatives—is at this moment ruminating over whether their current circumstances in life have left them contented and whether the person dancing across from them is the singular person in the world with whom they are meant to spend their lives. After the music shifted from an up-tempo pop song to a slow-dance standard, accounts confirmed that even the bride and groom are feeling a momentary pang of sadness at the sight of their unmarried friends dancing around them, with both newlyweds privately doubting whether they would ever feel the exuberant, untroubled excitement of their single days again. At press time, everyone on the dance floor had concluded that the only wedding guest who was truly happy was the suit-clad 8-year-old currently busting a series of moves by himself at the center of a cleared-out dance circle.

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