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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Everyone On Wedding Dance Floor Simultaneously Wondering If They’re Truly Happy

RICHMOND, VA—With the marriage ceremony and the words of advice from several speeches about love still fresh in their minds as they move and bounce to the live five-piece band, everyone on the dance floor at the Elliott–Begneaud wedding reception is simultaneously wondering if they are truly happy, sources are confirming. According to reports, every wedding attendee regardless of age or relationship status—from the bridesmaids, to family members, to those who do not know either the bride or the groom and were invited as dates of friends and relatives—is at this moment ruminating over whether their current circumstances in life have left them contented and whether the person dancing across from them is the singular person in the world with whom they are meant to spend their lives. After the music shifted from an up-tempo pop song to a slow-dance standard, accounts confirmed that even the bride and groom are feeling a momentary pang of sadness at the sight of their unmarried friends dancing around them, with both newlyweds privately doubting whether they would ever feel the exuberant, untroubled excitement of their single days again. At press time, everyone on the dance floor had concluded that the only wedding guest who was truly happy was the suit-clad 8-year-old currently busting a series of moves by himself at the center of a cleared-out dance circle.

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