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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake

BLANCHARD, OK—Members of the Haggerty family expressed wonder and admiration Tuesday night when, at the surprisingly late hour of 10:30 p.m., Grandma finally told them all good night and went to bed. "Wow, she did really good," said Grandma's son Ben Haggerty, gesturing toward the kitchen clock as relatives sitting around the table murmured in agreement. "I guess she was really enjoying having all of us here together. She was keeping up with the conversation and everything." Granddaughter Vanessa recalled that the last time Grandma stayed up late was during last summer's family reunion, when she not only made it past 10, but even managed to win a few hands of canasta.

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