adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake

BLANCHARD, OK—Members of the Haggerty family expressed wonder and admiration Tuesday night when, at the surprisingly late hour of 10:30 p.m., Grandma finally told them all good night and went to bed. "Wow, she did really good," said Grandma's son Ben Haggerty, gesturing toward the kitchen clock as relatives sitting around the table murmured in agreement. "I guess she was really enjoying having all of us here together. She was keeping up with the conversation and everything." Granddaughter Vanessa recalled that the last time Grandma stayed up late was during last summer's family reunion, when she not only made it past 10, but even managed to win a few hands of canasta.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close