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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake

BLANCHARD, OK—Members of the Haggerty family expressed wonder and admiration Tuesday night when, at the surprisingly late hour of 10:30 p.m., Grandma finally told them all good night and went to bed. "Wow, she did really good," said Grandma's son Ben Haggerty, gesturing toward the kitchen clock as relatives sitting around the table murmured in agreement. "I guess she was really enjoying having all of us here together. She was keeping up with the conversation and everything." Granddaughter Vanessa recalled that the last time Grandma stayed up late was during last summer's family reunion, when she not only made it past 10, but even managed to win a few hands of canasta.

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