Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Everyone Proud Of Grandma For Staying Awake

BLANCHARD, OK—Members of the Haggerty family expressed wonder and admiration Tuesday night when, at the surprisingly late hour of 10:30 p.m., Grandma finally told them all good night and went to bed. "Wow, she did really good," said Grandma's son Ben Haggerty, gesturing toward the kitchen clock as relatives sitting around the table murmured in agreement. "I guess she was really enjoying having all of us here together. She was keeping up with the conversation and everything." Granddaughter Vanessa recalled that the last time Grandma stayed up late was during last summer's family reunion, when she not only made it past 10, but even managed to win a few hands of canasta.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close