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Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires

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Finance

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
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Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since its 2005 premiere is now a multibillionaire. “[Host] Jim Cramer turned out to be 100 percent accurate with every stock he said to buy, sell, or hold; I started out by investing $600, and now I have a net worth of $4.1 billion,” said former dishwasher Paul Welling from the plush 100-seat TV room aboard his custom luxury yacht. “All I had to do was follow Jim’s investment instructions and then sit back as the millions upon millions rolled in every day for the past eight years. And actually, I myself watched no more than three times weekly, and today I own a media conglomerate.” The findings reportedly came as welcome news for the cable channel following recent reports that over half the regular viewers of the morning show Squawk Box had died of exposure after winding up penniless and destitute on the street.

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