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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Everyone Who Started Watching 'Mad Money' In 2005 Now Billionaires

NEW YORK—According to a report released this week by Forbes magazine, every person who has regularly watched CNBC’s financial program Mad Money since its 2005 premiere is now a multibillionaire. “[Host] Jim Cramer turned out to be 100 percent accurate with every stock he said to buy, sell, or hold; I started out by investing $600, and now I have a net worth of $4.1 billion,” said former dishwasher Paul Welling from the plush 100-seat TV room aboard his custom luxury yacht. “All I had to do was follow Jim’s investment instructions and then sit back as the millions upon millions rolled in every day for the past eight years. And actually, I myself watched no more than three times weekly, and today I own a media conglomerate.” The findings reportedly came as welcome news for the cable channel following recent reports that over half the regular viewers of the morning show Squawk Box had died of exposure after winding up penniless and destitute on the street.

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