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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Everything A Goddamn Ordeal In Area Family

HUNTINGTON, WV–Absolutely everything, from ordering a pizza to going out to the movies, has to be a huge goddamn ordeal for the Flemings, father Bryce Fleming reported Tuesday. "Just once, could we maybe sit down and watch some goddamn TV together without the whole thing devolving into an all-night screaming match?" Fleming asked wife Tanya Fleming. "Could we?" Fleming went on to ask if that could happen once in the history of their goddamn household.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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