Everything In Entire World Now Collectible

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Vol 37 Issue 10

15,000 Years Of Human Artistic Endeavor Culminate In See Spot Run

HOLLYWOOD, CA–More than 15 millennia of human artistic endeavor, stretching back to the Lascaux cave paintings of the Magdalenian Age, have culminated in See Spot Run, the hit Warner Brothers comedy about a wacky mailman and on-the-lam pooch. "From the plays of Sophocles to the concertos of Bach, to the modernist breakthroughs of Martha Graham, for thousands of years, artistic expression has fed man's soul and united the human race," said Oxford University humanities professor Dr. Edmund Woolsey-Cooke. "See Spot Run, starring David Arquette and Leslie Bibb, is the logical endpoint–the apogee, if you will–of this cultural progression."

Congress Adds 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us' Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives added an "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" amendment Monday to H.R. 333, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2001. "What you say!!!" shouted the bill's sponsor, Rep. George Gekas (R-PA), following the amendment's approval. "This bill will not only make debt-ridden Americans more accountable, but it has the added benefit of taking off every 'zig' for great justice." Opponents of the amendment protested that it would potentially set up U.S. the bomb.

Control Freak Wishes She Had More Free Time

CHICAGO–Leo Burnett advertising executive and control freak Suzanne Kreutz lamented her lack of free time Monday while reworking a Kellogg's print ad that a fellow executive just didn't nail. "God, I wish I could just go see a movie once in a while," said Kreutz, re-writing the perfectly good copy. "If this company didn't need me to keep it from flying apart at the seams, I could actually relax a little."

Preventing Military Mishaps

The U.S. military has committed numerous deadly blunders of late, including the accidental sinking of a Japanese fishing trawler and the bombing of the U.S. servicemen during a naval exercises in Kuwait. What measures are being taken in response?

How Real Is Reality TV?

Survivor and other reality-based TV shows have come under fire of late, with former participants charging that aspects of the programs are rigged. What do you think?

Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

"Oh, my God, check it out," said Eastern Michigan junior Trent Meijer, excitedly reading the letter to fellow junior Matt Sweeney. "'You are like a feather floating in a sudden spring shower.' How friggin' funny is that?"

Don't Talk To Me About Problems

Hola, amigos. What's the deal behind your steering wheel? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had some shit to contend with. I was supposed to write this column last Wednesday, but I did a few too many one-hitters and wound up spending the whole afternoon trying to figure out what was making this horrible smell under my sink. I pulled out all the rusty tools and bottles of Windex from under it and wound up finding a dead mouse. I was like, "Shit! Mouse!" Then, I was like, "Shit! Dead thing!"
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Everything In Entire World Now Collectible

KIRKLAND, WA–In this suburb of Seattle, a man stops off for bread and milk on his way home from work. He's excited about his purchases, but not because he's hungry.

A limited-edition box of <i>Powerpuff Girls</i> cereal, available in supermarkets nationwide.

"This is awesome," said Marvin Humboldt, 46, lovingly holding his grocery purchases. "I've finally got the full run of the Wonder Bread 'NFL Legends' bags. And this gallon of 2% milk has a red dot on the cap, which means it's a first-run factory proof."

Halfway across the country, in Des Moines, IA, 34-year-old Janine Tompkins buys a bucket of Dutch Boy interior paint. She's not planning to do any home redecorating, though.

"This is the semi-gloss latex," Tompkins said. "Dutch Boy only made 12,500 of these in eggshell white this year. This one's definitely going straight into the display cabinet."

According to a report issued Monday by the North American Collector's Association, every single thing currently being manufactured is officially categorized as a collectible.

"It used to be that only certain particularly noteworthy or rare items, like Fantastic Four #1 or a 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle card, were considered valuable collector's items. That's no longer the case," NACA president Bob Gunther said. "If you have any objects of any kind in your home, in your garage, or on the floor of your car, don't throw them away. They could be worth big money someday. In fact, they're probably worth a lot of money right now."

Do you have a Taco Bell "Defeat The Dark Side... And Win!" cardboard cup-top playing piece from the restaurant's 1999 tie-in sweepstakes for Star Wars: Episode I lying around somewhere? Chances are you do, because more than 80 million of them were made. But don't throw it out: According to the March issue of Game-Piece Buyer's Guide, it's worth $295.

What about those free postcards handed out at record stores promoting bands nobody's ever heard of and who were dropped from their labels weeks after their debut releases flopped? They're netting big money on eBay. And anything put out before 1980–whether a toy, a set of flatware, or even an unopened roll of toilet paper found in a back cupboard of your grandfather's RV–is a bona fide antique worth anywhere from $100 to millions.

"See, normally, things that fall under the category of plentiful, undesirable junk would be worthless, simply due to the laws of supply and demand," said Fred Franks, a Parsippany, NJ, dealer specializing in 1970s-era sponges. "But nobody wants to sell what they collect, anyway: They just want to keep it and hoard it because it's so valuable. So, in this business, we're not talking about demand anymore, just supply, and lots of it. This has caused the value of even mundane, everyday objects to go through the roof. See this lint on my jacket here? That's at least eight, nine bucks worth of lint there. I have Internet quotes to prove it."

Manufacturers have caught on to the trend, releasing mundane products such as cigarettes, beer, and snack chips in special collector's "platinum" editions at marked-up prices. As collector mania spreads, even items like floor polish, paper plates, and rubber bands are becoming prohibitively expensive for many Americans.

Rarity, once a prerequisite for an item to have collector's value, is no longer relevant. An early sign of this shift occurred in the early '90s, when Marvel Comics encouraged fans to pre-order multiple copies of the much-hyped "Todd McFarlane's Spider-Man #1" because of the book's anticipated collector's value. The issue sold more copies than any comic book in history, but fans still hoarded multiple copies in special dust-proof Mylar bags, in part because of its unique status as the least rare comic book ever.

A rare 2001 extension cord with a limited run of 5,000. Its value is estimated at $750.

"Rarity is nothing. Do you have any idea how many Beanie Babies are out there?" asked Barbara Mason, editor of Beanie Baby Illustrated. "Let's put it this way: There are approximately twice as many Scoop The Pelican Beanie Babies on the planet Earth than there are actual pelicans. And they're worth more, too."

Age, once the other major determining factor in an item's worth, is no longer important, either. Items used to only get valuable over long periods of time. Not so anymore, says TransUniverse Collectibles, makers of the official Star Trek: Voyager Officers' Club individually wrapped toothpick assortment, which retails for $79.95 and is sold directly to collectors.

"Old? Are you kidding? Everything we sell here at TransUniverse goes straight to collectors with no middlemen the day we make it, because these Trekkie types insist on buying [the items] the first day they're out," TransUniverse co-founder Wayne Spoerl said. "We don't need to wait for it to become a collector's item over time–we just print the words 'Collector's Item' right on the package. They're valuable because we only make a limited run of, say, 500,000. Okay, more, but still."

With everything on the planet officially collectible, collectors have more items to choose from than ever. Objects such as plastic twist ties from speaker-wire packaging, the tin-foil lining of chewing-gum wrappers, and the little rubbery residue left in magazines when attachments are removed have all jumped sharply in value–and investors see no signs of a slowdown.

"I just sold some guy 3,000 gallons of factory runoff from a waste-processing plant in central Illinois," said collectibles dealer Gary Hammond of Louisville, KY. "The government tried unsuccessfully to get the stuff zoned for burial in three states, but now it's in this guy's basement in a glass case. Why? Because it was banned in three states, so now it's collectible. That's the beauty of this business–even stuff that absolutely nobody wants, somebody wants."

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