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Everything In Power Done To Appear Interesting To Attractive Woman On Subway

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Everything In Power Done To Appear Interesting To Attractive Woman On Subway

NEW YORK—According to evening commuters, 26-year-old web designer Kevin Hanley summoned every resource at his disposal Tuesday in an effort to appear more thoughtful and sophisticated, hoping to capture the attention of an attractive woman on the subway. "As soon as she got on the train, he sat up straighter, adjusted the angle he was holding his book at so he could show off the title, and started doing this thing where he would casually run his fingers across his stubble," said a witness to the scene, adding that Hanley would also look off into the middle distance from time to time and smile as though he were contemplating something humorous or poignant. "And at one point, I swear to God, he even furrowed his brow and wrote something down in a little notebook." When he gave up his seat to an elderly person in an effort to look chivalrous, the attractive woman appeared to notice Hanley at last, walking up to him, saying "Excuse me," and maneuvering past him so she could exit at her stop.

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