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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Everything In Power Done To Appear Interesting To Attractive Woman On Subway

NEW YORK—According to evening commuters, 26-year-old web designer Kevin Hanley summoned every resource at his disposal Tuesday in an effort to appear more thoughtful and sophisticated, hoping to capture the attention of an attractive woman on the subway. "As soon as she got on the train, he sat up straighter, adjusted the angle he was holding his book at so he could show off the title, and started doing this thing where he would casually run his fingers across his stubble," said a witness to the scene, adding that Hanley would also look off into the middle distance from time to time and smile as though he were contemplating something humorous or poignant. "And at one point, I swear to God, he even furrowed his brow and wrote something down in a little notebook." When he gave up his seat to an elderly person in an effort to look chivalrous, the attractive woman appeared to notice Hanley at last, walking up to him, saying "Excuse me," and maneuvering past him so she could exit at her stop.

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