adBlockCheck

Everything On Menu So Tempting

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Everything On Menu So Tempting

CHILLICOTHE, OH—Absolutely everything—everything—on the Cedar Tree Family Restaurant menu is so tempting that diners are going to be hard-pressed to stay on their diets, customers reported Monday.

The menu at the Cedar Tree Family Restaurant (below left).

"Oh, this is pure agony," said Lynette Macagnone, 43, a mortgage loan officer at Foremost Savings and a self-described weight watcher. "I just can't decide!"

No one in the 80-seat establishment seemed surprised by Macagnone's indecision after seeing the red-vinyl-jacketed menu's four columns of mouth-watering items like chicken marsala, fisherman's platter, turkey and bacon clubs, baked meatloaf, and 100 percent grade-A beef burger topped with Monterey Jack cheese, all served with a choice of soup or salad, as well as fries or baked potato.

Although the Cedar Tree diners knew they should be good, their original plans to stick to salad and soup flew out the window when they saw the menu's many offerings, from potato-skin appetizers to ribeye steak.

Dental technician Beth Arneson, 28, said she wished she hadn't turned to the back of the menu and read that Cedar Tree serves—get ready for this—an all-day breakfast.

"'Belgian waffle with fresh strawberries!'" Arneson read aloud to companion Keith Zuehlke. "'Eggs Benedict with Hollandaise sauce and Texas toast!' 'Chocolate-chip pancakes!' 'Huevos rancheros!' I'm afraid to look at this menu anymore—I'm going to gain five pounds just reading it!"

The Cedar Tree Family Restaurant

When Zuehlke read the description of the pigs-in-blanket as "link sausage cuddled in buttermilk pancakes, whipped butter, and syrup," Arneson let out a mock shriek.

"With the fried chicken 'tenderized overnight in buttermilk and rolled in specially prepared seasoned breadcrumbs,' it's amazing that [bus boy Mike Hatch doesn't] seem to have put on an extra ounce anywhere," observed local piano and voice teacher Richard Quincy, dining with his elderly mother.

"I'm not allowed to speak to customers," Hatch said to Quincy.

In addition to serving up such unexpected, tantalizing dishes as teriyaki chicken and shrimp stir-fry, the Cedar Tree also offers daily specials. Yes, specials.

"Smothered chicken, spinach quiche with French onion soup, baked pork chops with mashed potatoes, and our weekly $9.99 prime-rib special, which comes with a trip to the salad bar," waiter Sergio Arias said.

Macagnone had so much trouble deciding what to order that she sent Arias away twice.

"Even the salads are sinful," Macagnone told Arias. "Can I get a bread-bowl salad with half a bread bowl and no cheese and no ham chunks? I'm afraid if I order the whole thing, I won't be able to stop."

"No," Arias replied.

To further complicate attempts at calorie control, Cedar Tree just had to have the best dessert menu this side of the Perkins on Frontage Road. Even though the majority of diners felt too full already, dessert-menu items like the caramel cheesecake, the carrot cake, and the sizzling apple pie à la mode had them wondering if they could squeeze in just a teeny bit more.

"If I get the salad with the pork chops and eat half the mashed potatoes with no butter, I'll feel a little less guilty," Macagnone said. "And I can remove the bacon from the club and request no dressing. Plus, I'm having Diet Sprite."

"Just pick something. It's all good," Arias said.

"But you've made it so hard!" Macagnone said, adopting a mock pout.

Paying her check at the register, Arneson asked Cedar Tree manager Spyros Andropoulos how he sleeps at night knowing he's made countless people pounds heavier, if a lot happier.

"I sleep at night," Andropoulos said. "If customers afraid they get fat, they don't have to eat here. Please, I must work."

Perhaps due to its hard-working staff, the Cedar Tree remains a popular choice for no-fuss family celebrations and after-work get-togethers. It's also popular with patrons of the nearby go-kart track.

"I know, I know, I should really eat at home, especially since I just bought groceries," Macagnone said. "But it's on the way home, and I like to treat myself once in a while."

"Oh," she added, lowering her voice to a whisper. "But if you go, avoid the pork chops. Mine were a little dry."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close