Everything On Menu So Tempting

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Vol 39 Issue 30

Gary Busey Nearly Drowns Recovering Pork Chop From Swimming Pool

LOS ANGELES—Actor Gary Busey was flown from his Malibu home to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after he nearly drowned trying to retrieve a pork chop from the bottom of his swimming pool Tuesday. "We're eating on the patio, and Gary suddenly shouts, 'Let's have dinner in the pool!' and starts throwing baby red potatoes and hunks of meat into the water," said Lupo Risinger, Busey's friend and next-door neighbor. "Well, the pork chop he threw sank like a stone, and—you know Gary—he wouldn't come up for air until he had that sucker in his teeth." Busey is currently listed in "marginally stable" condition.

Drug Deal Goes Great

MIAMI—An exchange of five grams of cocaine for an undisclosed amount of cash "went off without a hitch" in Bayfront Park Monday night. "When I went to the park to buy some blow, I never expected anything bad to happen," said a 30-year-old drug buyer who identifed himself as John. "It didn't. I got some really good stuff, the guy didn't gyp me, and the whole thing only took, like, three minutes." Kold Kim, an area dealer, agreed with John, adding that the entire exchange was "cool."

Vice President Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise

NEW YORK—According to the buzz around the office, Hank, the Vice-President Of Making Your Job Harder, received a sizable raise Tuesday. "Goddamn it," you said to yourself. "All Hank does around here is screw things up so bad that I have to stay late and fix them. Then he shows up in the morning and rides my ass when things aren't done." At this rate, you decided, you'll never get promoted from the position of Assistant Vice-President Of Cleaning Up Other People's Messes And Never Getting Any Goddamn Credit.

Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks

SANDPOINT, ID—Seated on the edge of his bed, Carl Thompson, 38, paused for 20 minutes with one sock on his foot and the other in his hand Tuesday. "Ugh, tired," said Thompson, who was otherwise silent from 6:30 to 6:50 a.m. During that period, Thompson stared at the wall and teetered perilously close to a reclining position six times.

Milkshake Almost Ruined By Breakup

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Local woman Janice Garnecki's blueberry milkshake was nearly ruined Tuesday when boyfriend Timothy Stover announced he was ending their relationship. "Six months together, and now he says he wants to see other people," a distraught Garnecki said immediately after the breakup, but before taking a long sip of her mouth-watering shake. "How could he do this to me? Doesn't he care? This is made with premium ice cream, isn't it?" Garnecki said she plans to spend the day crying on her best friend's shoulder and licking her fingers.

Embattled Liberia

The Bush administration is still unsure what role the U.S. military should play in war-ravaged Liberia. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Comedy

Everything On Menu So Tempting

CHILLICOTHE, OH—Absolutely everything—everything—on the Cedar Tree Family Restaurant menu is so tempting that diners are going to be hard-pressed to stay on their diets, customers reported Monday.

The menu at the Cedar Tree Family Restaurant (below left).

"Oh, this is pure agony," said Lynette Macagnone, 43, a mortgage loan officer at Foremost Savings and a self-described weight watcher. "I just can't decide!"

No one in the 80-seat establishment seemed surprised by Macagnone's indecision after seeing the red-vinyl-jacketed menu's four columns of mouth-watering items like chicken marsala, fisherman's platter, turkey and bacon clubs, baked meatloaf, and 100 percent grade-A beef burger topped with Monterey Jack cheese, all served with a choice of soup or salad, as well as fries or baked potato.

Although the Cedar Tree diners knew they should be good, their original plans to stick to salad and soup flew out the window when they saw the menu's many offerings, from potato-skin appetizers to ribeye steak.

Dental technician Beth Arneson, 28, said she wished she hadn't turned to the back of the menu and read that Cedar Tree serves—get ready for this—an all-day breakfast.

"'Belgian waffle with fresh strawberries!'" Arneson read aloud to companion Keith Zuehlke. "'Eggs Benedict with Hollandaise sauce and Texas toast!' 'Chocolate-chip pancakes!' 'Huevos rancheros!' I'm afraid to look at this menu anymore—I'm going to gain five pounds just reading it!"

The Cedar Tree Family Restaurant

When Zuehlke read the description of the pigs-in-blanket as "link sausage cuddled in buttermilk pancakes, whipped butter, and syrup," Arneson let out a mock shriek.

"With the fried chicken 'tenderized overnight in buttermilk and rolled in specially prepared seasoned breadcrumbs,' it's amazing that [bus boy Mike Hatch doesn't] seem to have put on an extra ounce anywhere," observed local piano and voice teacher Richard Quincy, dining with his elderly mother.

"I'm not allowed to speak to customers," Hatch said to Quincy.

In addition to serving up such unexpected, tantalizing dishes as teriyaki chicken and shrimp stir-fry, the Cedar Tree also offers daily specials. Yes, specials.

"Smothered chicken, spinach quiche with French onion soup, baked pork chops with mashed potatoes, and our weekly $9.99 prime-rib special, which comes with a trip to the salad bar," waiter Sergio Arias said.

Macagnone had so much trouble deciding what to order that she sent Arias away twice.

"Even the salads are sinful," Macagnone told Arias. "Can I get a bread-bowl salad with half a bread bowl and no cheese and no ham chunks? I'm afraid if I order the whole thing, I won't be able to stop."

"No," Arias replied.

To further complicate attempts at calorie control, Cedar Tree just had to have the best dessert menu this side of the Perkins on Frontage Road. Even though the majority of diners felt too full already, dessert-menu items like the caramel cheesecake, the carrot cake, and the sizzling apple pie à la mode had them wondering if they could squeeze in just a teeny bit more.

"If I get the salad with the pork chops and eat half the mashed potatoes with no butter, I'll feel a little less guilty," Macagnone said. "And I can remove the bacon from the club and request no dressing. Plus, I'm having Diet Sprite."

"Just pick something. It's all good," Arias said.

"But you've made it so hard!" Macagnone said, adopting a mock pout.

Paying her check at the register, Arneson asked Cedar Tree manager Spyros Andropoulos how he sleeps at night knowing he's made countless people pounds heavier, if a lot happier.

"I sleep at night," Andropoulos said. "If customers afraid they get fat, they don't have to eat here. Please, I must work."

Perhaps due to its hard-working staff, the Cedar Tree remains a popular choice for no-fuss family celebrations and after-work get-togethers. It's also popular with patrons of the nearby go-kart track.

"I know, I know, I should really eat at home, especially since I just bought groceries," Macagnone said. "But it's on the way home, and I like to treat myself once in a while."

"Oh," she added, lowering her voice to a whisper. "But if you go, avoid the pork chops. Mine were a little dry."

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